Please be aware that if you respond to this email and request a price quote, I will ignore you for three days, then follow up and ask if you’re still interested in coming in for a test drive. 

Your [model_year] Kia [model_name] is in high demand in your area! We may be able to get you above-market value if you trade it in on a new Kia.

I emailed a Kia spokesperson

I’M SO EXCITED I ALMOST SPILLED MY CRUNCHY GRANOLA ONTO MY WOOL SOCKS AND SANDALS WHERE MY LAB QUICKLY SCARFED IT DOWN.

Judging by the front quarter, if they lowered it, they’d have a 2012 Mazda3.

Marc: “Joker, did you used to hate me?”

Honestly surprised she didn’t @ Rosa Park. 

I sometimes wonder if Joseph Heller is somehow behind all this. 

If Keanu Reeves or Tom Hanks turn out to be monsters I will probably just give up on humanity.

This is the ending of John Wick 3, hopefully. 

keanu reeves is in reality the person that johnny depp thinks he is.

I’m twisted, so reenacting Speed with Keanu Reeves on an unexpected bus ride sounds like a good time.

Don’t these people know better than to get on a bus with Keanu Reeves? 

Every encounter I’ve heard of with Keanu has been at worst pleasant. It’s always about Keanu giving up his seat on the subway, treating homeless people like humans, being generous to film crews, etc.  The guy is a ray of sunshine.

Do you remember the whole “sad Keanu” meme from a few years ago? People freaked out because he is so beloved, and all these stories of his kindness and being a great person were shared.

Finding out Keanu Reeves is a genuinely nice guy makes the world seem slightly less shitty.

The train doesn’t get stuck in painful traffic of I-95. Seats are (much) more comfortable than the bus (especially if you’re tall). You can get up and walk around the train. The bathroom is of decent size on the train relative to the bus. The train ride is less herky-jerky, so you could work without getting sick.

Take your polonium star.

We would also have accepted “adorabyl.”

They’re Chernadorable.