Oh, it’s great. But the question is if a place tells you that don’t have shrimp or cocktail sauce and then you berate them into giving you shrimp and cocktail sauce, what are the odds that you want to eat that shrimp and cocktail sauce? Also, how many times can I use the phrase “shrimp and cocktail sauce” in a…

You mean like this gem?

For your tea emergencies, always remember to carry a thermos of tea. To make sure your thermos does not get confused with others during said emergencies, I recommend getting your thermos monogrammed.

The woman then said “I don’t eat anything pureed”—apparently her reason for needing whole potatoes.

I even named her Roo McClanahan (spelled it differently so people don’t get the two confused)

Steve Buscemi or Peter Lorre, depending on your age of reference

You should steal something he made and splatter some shit on it, then call it art.

“I just laughed and laughed because sometimes, if you don’t laugh, what else can you do?”

I hope no woman ever does any of these things to me. I’d be a blubbering, embarassing mess.

I beat my wife asking me to marry her by literally minutes. She had got an awesome ring and planned on asking me on the 4th of July in Washington DC at the Mall during all the fireworks. I had planned on doing the same. We both got exceptionally tired and we were resting in the Museum of Modern Art. I decided ‘what…

Everyone’s entitled to their interpretation of what’s funny in comedy, however, Mindy fucking NAILED IT. Maybe if George wasn’t such a fuckwit interviewer and used a better choice of words and didn’t create a solid moment of awkward silence, she wouldn’t have had to break the ice with such a FUCKING AWESOME RESPONSE.

How dare this teacher be compassionate, care about the students, and be open-minded! We can’t have any of that around here, no siree.

1. My husband isn’t this stupid, so I wouldn’t have to worry about it if we did do this. But honey, this is where you get up out of that chair and walk away. It’s OK. You didn’t have to put up with it just because you just married him and he’s trashed.

2. We didn’t do any garter- or bouquet-tossing, or cake-smashing…

Any other week I would think this is weird as hell. But god, I’m just thankful for a bit of normal news involving an actual black girl.

That’s why I occasionally drive by and throw trash in the yard of the guy who works the night-shift at my corner gas station. “Fuck you, Roger! Why my gas and smokes still so spendy?”

When I saw the movie (the only time I saw it) at some point during the 364th hour of flogging a woman in the theater cried out “OH!” *long pause* “My God!” My best friend sitting next to me had been raised in a very cult like environment but had not yet given up on religion, however, the ambivalence toward it was…

What the FUCK does the South have to do with it?

I refuse to see that movie for a variety of reasons, but I worked at my (Catholic) church’s after school center when it came out. When a bunch of the moms lectured me for not having seen it, I got them all sorts of confused when I said that I didn’t think Jesus would appreciate his life and death exploited to make…

I call ahead to the restaurant and tell them she’s had a stroke which has changed her personality