I wonder how the Flat-Earthers are spinning this right now…

There will always be plenty of useless celebrities, but those who can legitimately be called artists are some of the best examples we have of self-made success stories in our society. Businessmen can borrow money from their parents but artists can't borrow talent; the vast majority of them had to build their careers…

All of these are funny, but none made me laugh as hard as Nookan’s Buttymance

As hard as it was to explain the appeal of the Comedy Bang Bang podcast to the uninitiated, explaining Comedy Bang Bang the TV show was a hundred times harder.

I get this. It's genuinely hard to explain to the nerded-out intellectuals and theater geeks I call friends how I could be in love with a SPORT.

Date: "I just love Game of Thrones. What's something you're super nerdy about?
Me: (automatically) "Mystery Science Theater 3000."
Date: "Huh. What's that?"
Me: (long, detailed explanation.)
Date: "Oh. Look, I've got to wake up super early tomorrow, so…"
Me: "No, wait—"

FM&M was a real show!

But sadly, it's good electoral strategy.

Trump's personal lawyer, John Dowd, forwarded the following email around Washington yesterday:

If nothing else, I hope Trump's presidency puts the lie to the idea that racism is the exclusive purview of Good ol' Boys south of the Mason-Dixon.

"Will Charlie bite me?"
"No."
(ouch!) "I though you said Charlie wouldn't bite me!"
"That's not Charlie.."

Just gonna leave out YOUR (incorrect) point that the guy who ran people over was a counter-protester? That was one you were repeating all weekend, until you were conclusively proven wrong.

A runabout! I'll steal it! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!

That's exactly what I was telling people last October. Yeah, Charles Durning may be a fat cat, an entrenched member of the establishment, and possibly even a bit of a scoundrel…

I try to use that line whenever relevant.

But less than Jake.

You seem surprised that women don't like being touched by people they don't know.

Someday, I really wish someone could actually explain to me how that "Soros funds protests" thing actually works.

…and then, for a couple years, I was Leonardo Da Oxnard for awhile…

"I don't want their support." That's literally all he needs to say. He could have said it MONTHS ago, and if he doesn't say it now, he literally never will.