I will forever associate Peeps with the stale ones my grandpa and his third wife would purchase on heavy discount the week after Easter and present to us at Easter the following year. Even the idea of, “Yeah, but what if these cloyingly sweet sugar-encrusted marshmallows were fresh and soft?” doesn’t sound appealing,…

When Stanley came to a store page, he chose “Purchase.”

The last Sony console I owned was a PS2, so I’ve got a couple full generations worth of games I haven’t played. It all sounds very tempting, but I have so many game to go through on PC and Switch as it is, and my god, I just looked at Amazon prices for the PS3 through PS5, and fucking how? Then again, I just looked up…

I would put on so much weight if the Angry Whopper was a regular item and not just a once-a-decade thing whenever they reboot The Hulk.

Very few people cite the full text of the 7th commandment: “Thou shalt not steal, unless you’re doing so in preparation to bear false witness against your neighbor, in which case... just fucking go ham, my dude.”

You know, even 25 years out from my murder trial, I probably would’ve stayed quiet about this one.

I think the thing that absolutely sealed it for me was when my mom said she raised me better than to be atheist.

Oh, there are lots of other things that could get rid of religion: giant meteor, sun going supernova, heat death of the universe, COVID-23... 

My god, mubla etihw is Klingon for “Paul is dead.” Sorry to be late to the party, but my god, it was staring us in the face the whole time!

What if moths fly out when I open my wallet?

They’re both just so charismatic.

Billy, it’s the Colonel.

Tunic looks great, and it’s been getting a lot of praise from people I can usually trust to roughly approximate my own opinions on games. Unlike our esteemed Mr. Hughes, I really am a fan of isometric adventure games; I cut my teeth on the original Zelda, so it’s just part of my DNA at this point. I’ve kinda seen one…

I mean, you’re in charge of your own mental management. Onboard, you’re the captain, so climb aboard.

Sorry someone had the indecency to plant that song in your head. If it helps, I find the best way to clear particularly nasty earworms out of my mind is to set an open course for the virgin sea.

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to operate the McDonald’s app.

Good thing they paired those letters on the sauce tubs. If they’d been single-letter, I definitely would’ve circulated some SEANS ANUS SAUCE photos on Twitter, if nobody beat me to it.

Double bonus points if you roll your eyes and say “Guess we’re going back to the index cards” the second time this happens.

Bonus points if you write them on index cards and pull them out when the conversation hits a lull.

Take your time to grieve in whatever way you see fit, and take care of yourself.