I wish I had this article to link to 10 years ago, when my friends started joining various online wellness cults and had things to say about everything I was eating.

As someone who skipped both the Wii and the Wii U, and a big fan (and yet somehow not an owner) of the first two games, Pikmin 3 is a game where my excitement is way out of step with everyone else’s. This is a day-one purchase for me.

I’m sorry, the perp used a knife?

I’m aware of your plight now, but it’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry.

I like tension more than jump scares, so if you want something that gets under your skin instead of popping out and yelling “BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE...”

And then David Foley, Kevin McDonald, and Ken Marino come in, and...

Well, if this is a Canadia-only phenomenon, the good news is that I’m not in any danger of ingesting Chalet sauce, and the better news is that I now understand one more line of “One Week.” Maybe one day the whole song will make sense!

Bonus for lazy memesters: the “if you liked Elf on the Shelf, now there’s North Pole in the bowl” joke doesn’t even require image editing.

I’d smash that.

I love these articles in a way I will never love the show that they’re about.

You think that’s bad? I’m cheating on my girl with an entire bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in one sitting.

Oh my god, first a cameo from Kevin in the comments, now a full article from Kate. And with Allison Shoemaker still writing new articles for AV Club, I’ve seen the whole old crew this week.

I’ve introduced a monthly competition to my Shivers speedrunning community. The game is randomized by default, and someone in the community has created a program that can fix the seed we get so we can all play the same iteration of the game when we do races. Normally you’re getting new information on the fly as you…

Do you want to lose a tongue? Because that’s how you lose a tongue!

It may have been a function of the only Arby’s in town being several miles away. It was close to my dad’s work, so it was a favorite of his to pick up on the way home when my mom wasn’t cooking. The sandwich probably would’ve been sitting in the takeout bag for a good 15 minutes before it got to me. The normal roast…

In my maybe 2 times trying the Big Montana, the beef-to-bun ratio worked against it, because all the drippings just dissolved the bottom bun into sludge. I always preferred the standard roast beef because the bun would stay intact long enough for me to glop on two gallons of Arby’s sauce and stuff it in my face.

‘Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to argue that a seam disqualifies something from being a sandwich and remove all doubt.

As someone who lives in an area where apartments almost never have dishwashers, as someone who’s been hand-washing his dishes due to a lack of options for 5 years, as someone who’s had to wash his lazy roommate’s dishes by hand just to clear space and be able to fill my coffee pot with water, I cannot adequately expres…

Pizza? Now that’s what I call a taco!

All right, GOP, I know things look bad right now, but please, please, just stay positive.