Excuse me: here is my man your man!

I echo your sentiments, however there will always be breeders and I’m guessing Bailey’s humans are not of the “backyard” variety if this bitch got a C-section at Auburn. Everyone should adopt, but there are such things as responsible breeders. It’s not all black and white. I have met some wonderfully responsible…

You mean this rapidly growing bear cub ISN’T a human baby?!?

God, it would make the best Lifetime movie ever.

That’s when I’d be doubling down and acting like it was a revelation that Ruby was a dog and promises to sue the hospital to the ground for lying to me.

When my friends started having kids, I told them all I would happily distract/entertain the baby with them around, but I don’t do diapers so I won’t babysit until they’re housebroken.

I once made the mistake of referring to my dog as my baby (as in, “here’s an old picture of my baby Ruby when she was just a puppy....”) and people JUMPED ON MY ASS about it. Yes, I know my dog isn’t a literal baby. The razor teeth and roundworms were kind of a giveaway.

If I ever have a kid, forget sleep training, they’ll be crate-trained by 12 weeks.

And Martha Stewart, even though she’s no longer quite that obscenely wealthy.

No rape involved, but when I was 17, I got my also 17 girlfriend pregnant. Being two immature teens, we decided to marry, because “love trumps everything” and all that bullshit, even AGAINST the will of our parents! I got a court order (because we’re minors) and, long story short, two years later we’re divorced…

Missouri allowing 14 year olds to marry? If this was allowed at my school kids would be getting married then divorced every other week during freshmen year.

Petco just announced that they’re not changing their aquarium policy causing all the lunatics that’s been screaming at Target staff and shoppers to change their plans....

FLIPPER AND EVE NOT FLIPPER AND STEVE

The fish in my son’s aquarium turned cannibal and he had many, many questions about this. I’d very much welcome the chance to change the topic to lesbian fish.

Oooh, I can use this as my excuse for my dog being so chubby.

This happens all the time. I visited Edgar’s Mission, a local farm sanctuary, and they said they get calls every day from people trying to find a home for unexpectedly enormous pigs. And micro-pigs aren’t even available in Australia.

Tea cup pigs don’t even exist. They are only that small as babies. People started selling them and telling people that as long as they don’t feed them a lot, they will stay tiny forever. Well yeah, they won’t grow because you are essentially starving them.

“If you’re not a liberal when you’re 20, you have no heart. If you’re not a conservative when you’re 40, you have no head.”

I stopped reading after that.

Madame President. Say it with me. You sexist fucks are going to be so sad in November. Right, neckbeard?

Considering how much the neckbeards are freaking out over female Ghostbusters, a female Bond would make their heads explode.