Cackling. Weird, post-wine cackling.

Get out of jail free FOR LIFE!

I found my father’s stash of THIRTY SEVEN porn dvds once, including one called, very straightforwardly: “Girls Fucking Guys in the Ass.”

My mom was pretty young when she died, and me tell you from personal experience that no adult child wants to find that drawer when cleaning everything out.

Ugh, that reminds me of the time when I was sitting on the bathroom counter talking to my mom when she was in the bath. I was probably 7 or 8, and was rummaging through the medicine cabinet. I found a little box, and had no idea what was in there, it was too small to be a swim cap. I asked my mom, and she said “ummmm,…

My little brother found my Mom’s vibrator once. He called me up at college to ask me what it was. I told him to put it back, go wash his hands, and ask Mom about it at dinner.

Three weeks later was the best Thanksgiving break ever, because no one would look anyone in the eyes, and I spent most of the time alternating…

OMG I just legit laughed, that’s hysterical. That’s so weirdly specific.

I found out my dad was dating someone when I found a card from her (up in his apartment) describing how great my dad was at oral sex. It took me years to let a guy down on me. Years and a lot of therapy.

Burnering because I don’t want my poor dad to get doxxed. My mom was once out of town for two weeks, and my dad had free reign of the house. When I arrived home from grad school about 3 days after mom arrived home, I went to use the computer.

I once found condoms packed up in my parents’ camping gear when I was looking through it for something. My mom had had a hysterectomy like a decade before. I try not to think too hard about why they were there.

When I was a child there were huge billboards from an anti-AIDS campaign. I always asked my mother what the colourful thingies on the billboards were. She just pretended she didn’t know.

Oh man, when I was 14, my parents sold our house and we were going to move across state. I was helping my dad take apart all the beds in the house on moving day and when we got to my parents room, my mom was in there picking some boxes up and the frame popped right off the headboard really easily and my dad was like,…

When I was very young I went through my mom’s purse looking for candy or gum and found flexible wrapped packages. I opened it and found something gum like but clearly not gum, perhaps some sort of gross ‘natural’ adult fruit roll up? No, still not right. I showed it to my mom and said ‘what is this? Is this gum? This…

Heh. Reminds me of the time, in high school, where I’d just gone a theatre class field trip (yup) on my birthday, and friends had bought me a gag gift from Spencers: the board game ‘Intimate Commands.’ I tossed it in the back of my car when the bus brought us back to the school, headed home, and forgot about it.

Looking for cough drops in my father’s nightstand, I found How to Make Love to a Woman. Cough drops were promptly forgotten. It was the only sex ed I ever got at home.

Yeah, as children my brother and I found my parents’ Joy of Sex. We learned a lot, and not just about how hairy people can be. Also found some massage oil that we accidentally spilled on their comforter. Got caught on that one because apparently giant pieces of bedding don’t fit in standard washing machines.

I walked into my parent’s house recently and saw a GIANT (like, industrial-sized) bottle of lube on the kitchen counter, which I proceeded to pick up and throw across the room while screaming “NO, mom! GAWWWWDDDDDD!” At which point my mother decided to educate me on the perils of post-menopausal vaginal dryness. We’re…

Yeah, they’re pretty great :)

Embarrassing but God they sound like they adore you.

My birthday is April Fool’s Day.