HOLY SHIT VAN HALEN IS THE ONE TRUE WAY

To a certain type of guy, “chill” is the opposite of “crazy,” where “crazy” = “feelings and demands I don’t want you to have because they require me to contemplate you as a person with your own thoughts and desires.”

Yeah exactly. Chill is fine with me provided you’re not touching me below the waist and you are willing to make yourself available as suits MY schedule, not yours, because it is clear that I am not prioritizing our connection yet.

It’s like high school all over again where everyone was terrified of appearing like they actually gave a damn about something.

Wow! It’s looks like everything that non-white people have been saying is true! Gee golly who knew?!

Bachelorette parties will forever have a special place in my heart. The first time I ever went to a real club (alone and with a male friend), this guy kept creeping over and grinding on me, uninvited. I wasn't yet the elbow-throwing feminist menace I am today, so I didn't know what to do other than sort of awkwardly…

My experience in dealing with over a thousand college-bound or first-year college students, over 20 years, has led me to believe this:

I'm willing to bet more men perceive winning an argument than women do.

I keep getting called by pro-life organizations, so I've started donating $5 to Planned Parenthood every time they call me. :)

The idea of someone being so lazy/uncreative/unintelligent/ineloquent/etc. that they have to steal their thoughts directly from reddit really amuses the fuck out of me.

Whenever I tell the 2 year old I take care of to do something, her excuse is always "nooooo, my tummy hurts in my eye".

"Iraq has weapons of mass destruction."

This is more of just being an asshole than dumb, but when someone helpfully points out a "No Smoking" sign yards and yards away from the ashtray I'm smoking next to, I say I don't read English. In unaccented American English.

A gun in the home is 22 times more likely to be used to kill or injure in a domestic homicide, suicide, or unintentional shooting than to be used in self-defense.

Yes, because we all know the really stable happy people are the ones who married right out of high school and are too scared to ever try for anything else.

Adult to adult, I'm curious about where this comes from. Why, specifically, do you care if there is a wooden frame holding the bed or not? Why is this frowned upon? Why is it seen as childish? Because I had a bed frame as a child and it wasn't until I moved out that I stopped using one, so in my experience it should…

The other thing that makes my blood boil is what is between the lines here: "people of color don't deserve these jobs as well as we do. WHITE people don't deserve to be out of jobs, but ethnic people- well they can deal with it, right!?" This is the subtext in ANY conversation like this- whether it's minorities…

You know that study that showed that men see a room that's 17% (or maybe is was 1/3, I can't remember) as being equal parts men:women, but they see a room that's 50% female and 50% male as majority female?

I think a large part of the issue here is that because of Tina Fey's personality and unique style of humor, people interpret everything on her show as if it's coming out of her mouth. The writing team for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is actually really diverse, including two writers of Native American descent— and it…

AS A WHITE LIBERAL I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD BE OFFENDED. I KNOW BETTER, AFTER ALL