I can only promise to be careful around every other firework.

I sure hope nobody shoots the president to impress Natalie Morales.

Sorry to see you flamin-go.

I found reading this article — while working my hopeless government-contractor job — fan-fuck-ing-tas-tic.

I was trying to calm my dog during our town’s fireworks that go off right behind our house.  The only thing that finally worked was doing nothing.  When I stopped making a big deal about it and just ignored it, she totally calmed down.

Have you hit the pool yet this summer?

Hopefully MLB handles this better than the NFL.

Next time I see the doctor I am going to ask if I should take a laxative or water pills for the constipation I get from the knife lodged in my stomach.

These people need to be put down.

Why are you guys broadcasting my gmail password?

This is such a tragedy and it makes it so much worse that there was a chance it could have been prevented. I am sure the officer has gotten many false alarms in his career but treating all potential threats as real is an integral part of his job, and if he has grown so jaded he no longer does that, then it is no…

She really is an udder delight.

Did we burn down Toronto again?

Nice leg, Press.

She may not start, but she will finish.

In all fairness, most 70 year olds can’t DRIVE 26 miles without stopping to take a piss.

The purrfect assassin.  

Going to need you to sign in 10.

So the answer to “how to avoid getting sick from a public pool” is you can’t?

Have you tried it?  I am curious if it still has the same amazing taste without the raw egg.