Let's hope the aliens don't pick up "Paradise By the Dashboard Light" when they're rounding Neptune. They'd surely exterminate us Independence Day style and we'd deserve it. Nobody in the Galactic Federation would blame them for wiping out a species that would allow that song to exist.

There also a 93% chance Gill purchased a puppy on his way home and drop kicked it off a bridge.

I recently started dating someone new and we decided to cook dinner together the other night for the first time. We opted to make stir fry. The first thing she did was try to cut a green pepper horizontally, seeds intact and all.

Obviously this isn't a complete list obviously. Obviously if it were obviously a complete list it would obviously have some statement on using "obviously" twice per sentence obviously. Obviously obviously obviously obviously.

The operation was a complete failure when all the texts containing the words "city", "olympics" and "bombed" were in lament of near beer.

I forget where I heard this, I think it was one of those nature shows, but they said the first thing a chimp does when it fights a male is go for the genitals and tear them off, then bite off your fingers so you're too distracted by the blinding agony to fight back in any way. Then it just systematically kills you. No…

I was discussing a similar topic with my uncle, a retired Mass. State Police Officer, after Hernandez was first arrested. Mostly I was saying how can you be so stupid to get caught by your own security system. His answer pretty much closed down my line of questions "We don't catch them because they're smart".

True, but he gambled it away in the first place.

He should have stuck with his first choice "Derek Cheeter".

She's pretty good in the kitchen like most guys are pretty good at guitar.

Agreed, from the previews it felt like watching Steve Kelso start a computer company.

Ugh Dream On. I suspect maybe I'd actually enjoy that show now for what was meant to be but I have fond memories of playing gameboy with the Dream On muted in the background waiting for some nudity to show for a the inevitable fap session. Kids these days don't understand how much we suffered for 2 seconds of nudity.

I've always been weary of limited time products like this and a lot of fast food specials. It seems every time I fall in love with one it never returns. Maybe it's some kind of metaphor for life.

Omelettes, a great way to impress a women who you've already impressed (or tricked) enough to sleep over.

11. Pulling your undershirt through your fly and yelling, "Hey everyone, look at my huge shirt boner" is funny only the first time.

Forum restaurant in Boston (currently closed as it was right where the second bomb exploded) has had a version of these for years now and they're amazing. They're like chinese restaurant chicken fingers with waffle batter and a slightly spicy maple syrup. I really hope they're still on the menu when it reopens.

This sounds like exactly something one of my friends would do. He has some classic stories in the same vein. In fact I'm kind of sad he's married now because his dating disasters were always entertaining.

Being that I'm still single and now 33 years old I can attest to the fact that texting is much easier. At least then if they're not interested you just get radio silence rather than the systematic disassembling of your what little remains of your ego.

I had this happen a few months ago. Wearing casual dress pants at work a magic drop managed to navigate all the way through the leg of my boxers and my pants and hit me in the knee. One in a million shot, it was the Lando Calrissian of pee drops. We should be friends.

There was never anything more pants shittingly horrifying than cold calling a girl you liked in pre-internet high-school. I used to build up the confidence to call a girl for literally months before one day finally getting the balls to do it and immediately getting shot down. Like I'd psych myself up with some Crazy…