Whoa whoa whoa. We do not talk shit about the Muppets around here.

Wait, are all of these shoes even sandals? My criteria for whether I can wear socks or tights with something has always been ‘is this shoe open-toed? then NO.’ Can closed-toe shoes count as sandals? Have I been living a lie?

Pretty sure she’s friends with this lady from Carnival of Monsters, actually.

Look, I’m an old-fashioned girl. All I want is a guy who’ll make me laugh, collect bottlecaps and other small shiny things to impress me, and build me a bower of twigs for a ritualized mating display. Is that so much to ask?

Ok, great. Now apply that same logic to the Christian fundamentalists responsible for the vast majority of domestic terrorism since 9/11, and we’ll talk.

Yeah, it feels like literally the least I can do to be honest about the help I’ve had and the advantages that came with it. I have relatives who insist they earned everything they have and I’m like ‘yes, you worked hard! You also INHERITED A WAREHOUSE.’

Ever since I heard that I have hoped to god it’s true. Paris Hilton, Secret Nerd is such a great concept.

I hope John Oliver weighs in on the most significant currency-related issue of our time: keeping A. Ham on the $10 where he belongs, and booting that fucker Jackson off the $20.

Brown people in general, honestly. Every morning of my childhood, I waited for the school bus and watched people’s housekeepers and nannies walking from the nearest WMATA stop to the houses where they worked, often upwards of a mile away. None of their employers ever fucking bothered to hop in their (new, expensive)…

IDK about kidneys, but it’s actually really easy to sign up for the bone marrow donor registry. They mail you a kit, you swab your cheek and mail the swabs back, and they contact you if you ever match someone in need.

...I’m not saying I went to Churchill, but when people ask me to describe my high school experience I just say “Remember the scene in Mean Girls where they go to Regina’s house? That, times 400.”

No, I get it. Though by the 2000s even the less-fancy parts of Potomac were still pretty damn wealthy, compared to the rest of America.

Yeah, I grew up actually IN Potomac, and even the Very Rich Part is not as Very Rich as you’d expect— the housing development Mike Tyson bought in (which I will not name, but yep, that’s where I lived) does have some monster mansions, but most of them were actually built later in its development. When my family moved…

Yep, I grew up in Potomac, and every time I drive out River Road to my parents’ house it seems like there’s another monstrous faux chateau going up on the stretch between Bradley and Falls.

I mean, the Mount Rushmore For Racists being shitty, unimpressive and poorly-thought-out is not really surprising, when you think about it.

My youngest sister goes to a large state school in the South, and she belongs to a historically Jewish sorority. Apparently she’s heard members of other sororities criticizing hers because they’re ‘exclusionary.’

This is SUPER weird and amazing. This building is a restaurant now— I eat there all the time!

She ought to go to Dead Horse Bay, in Brooklyn. In addition to lots and lots of hundred-year-old glass, she can find chunks of genuine horse bone!

I just called the nearest women’s shelter to me and asked if they could use a donation. They could, so when I go to Costco next week I’m gonna pick up a couple extra giant boxes— honestly, I think getting pads by the 90-pack has made the membership worth it all by itself.

According to my parents, they discovered I could read when I asked for gum on a car trip and they told me there wasn’t any. “We could get some at the pharmacy,” I said. What pharmacy? “The sign says pharmacy,” I told them, pointing. I was three. They got me the gum.