In second grade, a teacher at my school determined by outsized personality / slightly obnoxious behavior would translate well to a career in the theatre. She asked me to try out for a community theatre production of the musical Babes in Toyland. It was a Christmas show and called for lots of kid roles, and I was…

No jokes. Someday I will write a book about his offensive aphorisms under a pseudonym that will make “Shit My Father Says” look like child’s play. There’s nothing like being told as an 8 year old, shivering after going sledding, that you’re “shaking like a dog shitting razor blades.” My dad is definitely an American…

He’s got three brown grandsons with an Hispanic last name who are living the American dream of little league and a house on a culdesac. He’s got another grandson with two mommies, and two more growing up in the New South learning about diversity and American history. Give it a few decades and we might be ok.

Nope. My dad lived in a small working class Pennsylvania town from birth until he was 35, when he moved out of his mommy’s house and got married. Since then, he’s been living in whitebread exurbia. He worked in not so great neighborhoods in Philly for much of that time, thus guaranteeing the worst possible attitudes…

My grandfather came here from Hercegovina when he was 16. He had the address of a family friend in New York City and heard a rumor that there was a concrete plant somewhere in New York that hired Croatians. There was, but as far as I can tell he never worked there. He worked odd jobs, moved around to the homes of…

I liked Jeb’s answer — he couldn’t think of a single American woman worthwhile enough, so he had to pick an English one whose supported a national healthcare system. Well done, buddy. (And yes, foreigners can appear on US money legally — Queen Isabella once appeared on a quarter, and she didn’t even support single…

I’m terrific at Bible. I’m so good at Bible it’ll make your head spin.

I’m partial to my father’s thick Philly YYYELLLLOOO!?!

When telemarketers call, I put the phone on speakerphone and play this. It’s amazing how long some of them will hang on the line listening to an array of farts.

Isn’t “sundog” a verb meaning to rawdog outside?

Chuck D.’s friends primarily call him by his real name.

I will admit to profound ignorance of the sex toy business. In terms of creating a casual, safe environment, you may find that there are partnership opportunities that allow you a location without paying up for one — maybe there is a coffee shop, or a bed and breakfast, or a club that is typically empty before the…

Happy birthday. I was about 35 when it first dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t a total fuckup, mostly because prior to being 35 I was a total fuckup.

My wife is an ER nurse and deals with a lot of psych cases. I hear stories about folks like you. You’re a hero.

This may not be a popular recommendation, but …

It took me until the word “melanoma” in your post until I realized you weren’t talking about a subterranean mammal.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s Signature of All Things is badass. I’ve never read Eat, Pray, Love (and don’t plan to), but after helping her with a little, tiny, no-one-else-would-notice-or-care historical detail in this book, I figured her research process had to produce a pretty accurate and engaging book. It’s a great read,…

That’s one L of a story.

If my mutt had thumbs, I’m absolutely certain this is the sandwich she would make for herself, though she might also garnish it with litter-encrusted cat turds.

In my heart of hearts, I know UVa would have won that game if the commentators could have somehow resisted showing footage of UVa 33 FSU 28. It’s our curse.