Every single thing is wrong in this article.

Actually, after studying the B&W a moment, here’s a guy that’s just the right middling age, a little weathered but healthy and could pull off the entire lifespan with makeup:

Who doesn’t know the tongue-in-cheek lyrics to Walker Hayes’ hit song “Fancy Like”? 

And now a rotten, fascist potato sits in the House of Representatives.

Apparently she just straight up stole it from someone on Twitter

There is no way a staffer didn’t write that goulash pun. Sure it’s an easy reach, but I can’t believe she remotely has a sense of humor.

Oh god no. She’s horribly ugly inside and out. As my uncle Robert used to say, “uglier than a bag of smashed assholes.”

Fuck her.

Really the only surprising thing here is that she didn’t say “I love the Gestapo” and try to explain it away by saying she was confused about the name of the soup.

“But sometimes I get a five-way to please my seven-year-old,” she says, “which cuts down on the traditional taste of Skyline, because it’s a little chunkier with the beans and the onions.”

Same as how to enjoy pumpkin beer:

OK, this brings up a point of contention with my wife. She, like Dennis, dips the wing into the bleu cheese dressing. I, on the other hand, think that the dressing is to be enjoyed with the celery, as a means to cool off and reset the tongue after eating a spicy wing. Discuss.

I like my Cream of Wheat stiff (spoon can stand up stiff) I either use a little bit less water or add extra after the initial, regular serving goes into the boiling water. I take the box and sprinkle some more it. Some times this causes gummy lumps in it which I love.

I was okay until you said you don’t salt your pasta water. Your pasta will taste like bland garbage.

If salting the water makes your pasta taste salty then you’re using too much salt.

People don’t cook hotdogs/brats or pizza nearly long enough.

Sigh; it’s a press. Another inventor hung up on a concept and refusing to address its shortcomings. Some issues apply to all presses, but anyway:

My disabled acquaintance bought minced garlic in jars to bypass her limitations, problem solved.

Never ending soup and salad from Olive Garden. I’ll never be executed. 

As the linked article explains, there is no such thing as a Massachusetts hot dog. There is a New England-style bun. You can grill it or steam it and you can put whatever you want on it. I lived in Massachusetts for 47 years and cooked in restaurants for three summers when I was in school (including Friendly’s, where…