Cocaine speeds things up, you can even do the rehab quicker.

Surely if the internet bands together we can find her and celebrate her for the goddamn hero she is.

<— The diners in question.

He was ordered to avoid contact with the victim, so you know what that means: he's single again! Ladies?

I was so stoked to go to Camp Foxtail, southern Nevada's Girl Scout camp. I had never been to a camp or even camping before and I. Was. STOKED!

My favorite part if this story is that you woke up with your hand all jacked up and thought, "I'll still hit up brunch." I like your priorities.

I was at a Hilton Hotel room party on St. Patrick's Day 2009, as one is want to do while living in Massachusetts and generally being trashy. The boys were taking all the lightbulbs out of their fixtures and microwaving them, making them glow before exploding, to demonstrate their impressive knowledge of science. The…

mine is short and sweet, and i hope it gets read because i think i am literally the only person in the world who this has happened to. it is very low on the pain scale, and i have many stupid stories of getting myself injured, but this is my favorite story by far:

we have one of those automatic garage doors where if you walk underneath, a laser senses it and the door goes back up. you see where this is going don't you.... wait for it.

This was like the time my parents used a board game box to wrap a bunch of video games in for Xmas.

Too bad Jameis didn't throw that girl off the bridge, someone else would have caught her.

If you told most 20-somethings-who-get-shitfaced "I'll give you millions of dollars to not get shitfaced" they'd be sober for as long as the paychecks kept coming in.

Dumb customer (me) anecdote time.

I am the average fan. I think the more you learn about the sport, the more you come to appreciate it. Or maybe you don't! Maybe it's not for you, and that's fine. But I wouldn't consider myself a sicko, and consensual fights with an agreed set of rules (as in boxing, or wrestling, or any mixed martial arts contest)…

whoa.

Moving laterally is a bummer. But on the bright side- people who eat crab on New Years will molt halfway through the year and enjoy several months of fabulously soft, fresh looking skin.

When FSU got down early, my brother, who was rooting for FSU, said Jameis Winston had the Ducks right where he wanted them.

Tonight is my last night home at my parents house, after being here for almost two weeks for the holidays. I live about an hour away, and don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to get back to the city (my roommate isn't back until Saturday, so I'm getting a bottle of wine and reveling in being alone for the first time…

"With the twelfth pick in the 2015 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select..."

crab?