Another twist: What if it's a guy with a ponytail?? Another another twists: WHAT IF THEY ARE BOTH GUYS WITH PONYTAILS

I will take all the eggnog myself. More nog for me.

While I do feel for our protagonist (as a person) in the Chuck-E-Cheese story, I would have been laughing maniacally at the image of the decapitated rat. I have an unmitigated hated of that place, going back over 25 years...

did you know it's a violation of the geneva convention to broadcast pictures of delicious cookies to people who currently do not have, and cannot at present go get, delicious cookies? i'll see you at the hague.

Aww. Thanks!

I just checked to make sure I had enough whiskey to get through reliving some nightmares and it looks like we are good to go.

Wait, is it bad to be a "cry-it out" er? That shit was hard work, and not for everyone, but sheesh, I had no idea that would keep someone from being friends with me. I'm friends with co-sleepers, and I would never do it, but different strokes for different folks, right?

The cook would later be diagnosed with the first ever case of venereal diabetes.

...but do you get holiday pay?

These are all so good, and reminds of this time in Italy (here comes a customer perspective story):

I used to work at a lunch place that served fancy salads and sandwiches, basic grill stuff, and soups. Customers would place orders at the counter and then we would deliver the food. It was in a touristy spot and we would get slammed on summer afternoons after the tours let out. Generally there was one fry cook, one…

"Well, maybe I will come to your country then. And eat all of your bread!"

Guys, what are we gonna do if he actually comes here and eats all the bread?

Oh God, this gives me terrible flashbacks. I once went on some internet date with a guy who insisted we go to an amusement park on our first date. I repeatedly told him I'd rather just meet for coffee, but he kept talking about how much fun we'd have and how it'd be an adventure. I relented. This was a mistake.

When I was in high school I broke up with a boy because he showed up to school one day wearing white jeans and a white t-shirt.

I once had an "Actor" show up to a date still wearing lipstick from his job (singing carols at a christmas market...nice acting, broham) and then proceed to criticize me for wearing too much makeup. He also said "Your pictures didn't suggest you'd be fat" and I was like "I literally have a full body shot on okcupid.…

Any Ayn Rand books on his bookshelf

My boyfriend once made up a bizarre story about needing to borrow three hundred dollars for insurance purposes. I got sick at work the day I loaned it to him, came home early, and discovered he had used my three hundred dollars to finance a meth fueled orgy.

People who snidely correct your use of the English language, doubly so when they're actually wrong. Anyone who mocks your childhood crushes.

"Ellen and Portia de Rossi Break"

... aaaaaand my heart stopped beating.

"The Internet"

Is that all? Phew!