When I go to comedy shows I cross my fingers that the comedian will play voicemails!!!!

Especially since he's just a naturally good writer, unlikely some of his grittier co workers

I think USA will do okay against San Marino and Venezuela.

Jürgen Klinsmann saw the dive after reviewing footage of the match, telling reporters yesterday that "the foul on Matt Besler was not a foul, [Campbell] faked it."

Oh shut up, rape jokes aren't funny, and your childhood is definitely just fine.

It's an extension cord, therefore does not need to meet code unless he actually hard wired the couch into the wall, which would be really silly. Just use a plug.

Glad we got your credentials along with your pointless analysis.

If anyone here is dismissing this as "too sensitive" or "lighten up" and is not black or has ever had some kind of relatable experience with natural hairstyles, please kindly shut up and find a shred of empathy in your life.

It's so hard being a white person

Yep, these are my readers.

OK, so here's some stuff from my notebook that didn't make it into the story:

Well, you just knew that the nation of Haiti's luck would run out at some point.