Home-schooled kids only learn to spell "Jesus." Every other word can go shit in its hat next to the name of God Jr.

Get your first month of Stamps.com free with the promo code "WTF!"

When I was eight, I wrote adaptations of episodes of the Project Blue Book TV show.

Roofies and lube.

Maybe his dad's Rodney Dangerfield from Natural Born Killers.

I know a guy works for an airline, and he calls them "ramp apes."

They totally could, and they wouldn't have to justify shit. Free market, baby!

It's a Golden Corral where they haven't cleaned the chocolate fountain in a month, and a mechanical pony stolen from outside a Food Lion in Joplin, Missouri.

Uh, well….

Our first wannabe jock douchebag President.

I've said from day one that one of the things making him craziest and meanest is that he can't get used to the idea that he can't just fire anyone he doesn't like.

Sessions is worse garbage than Trump. Definitely as a human, and possibly in terms of his past and current power to actually cause destruction and misery.

They love to tinker.

The organ solo at the end of the album version of "By the Time I Get to Phoenix."

I remember that. My favorite is either the Legion Doom, Herve Villechaize at the gold tournament or the one where the mom is driving her adult sons to the zoo.

DiMello as a substitute music teacher is one of my favorite things on Superego. If nothing else, you get to hear someone play "Baker Street" on a recorder.

I'll dip in and out, depending on the guests, and I'll actively hide from certain guests (lookin' at you, Dustin Ybarra!)

The Leykis one slays me.

Why didn't the AVC do this piece, instead of The Daily Beast? It's a better fit here.

Where I work, I order the company-provided pop (which is at odds with our "wellness initiative" for the chair-warmers in Sector 7G), and I don't know if this is a national thing, but we're having trouble getting Diet Dr. Pepper.