Not all mermaids have tails....keep trying!

I was at my mums post op for her lipo and tummy tuck. I had to sit in a room the size of a large walk-in closet with my mother (naked from tits to knees) and her doctor. The practice was a client of my work, so wile I didn’t really know him, we both knew OF each other. She was thoughtful enough to wear an oversized…

When I was in the same situation, I woke up and asked how many people had seen my vagina. The nurse thought I was so sweet for having a little modesty.

I’m going on record: I think she looks happy and beautiful, but she doesn’t look cooler than me. I am fucking cool. She also does she look cooler than Angelica Houston, nor Cher, whose 80’s hair and makeup and 90’s clothing she has, respectively, stolen.

When I was 19 I chaperoned my 11 year old sisters class on a trip to an art museum. At one point I’m walking around with my little troop of 4 children and a security guard stops us and says, “Excuse me girls, you’re not allowed to be in here without an adult.”

I wanted to call my mum and go home sick and the school secretary first wanted to address my absence from 4th period the day before. I lied and said I was late and missed attendance. So she gets out a little form and tells me to go have the teacher sign to verify it. I don’t have any choice but to go to the teacher…

At my first trip to the OB/GYN, I was a little nervous. During the procedure, the doctor was very sympathetic and tells me, “You’re doing really great.” And out of nowhere I reply in my best Southern Debutabte, “I bet you say that to all the girls!”

Just realized that, when Cher tweets with that kind of enthusiasm, I automatically hear her saying it in my head. No one else, just Cher.

Thank God.

To a certain extent, this is a valid strategy. America is backwards that way. It’s easier to get a job if you already have one. It’s easier to get a better job if you look successful. Instead of thinking, “This person is poor, they would probably work their ass off for us out of gratitude to be earning a living wage.”…

This is me exactly. All of it. It wasn’t even a great impression. Maybe cause Hillary is character-y enough, but the impression seemed all wig and costume. I’ve never really seen her as an over aggressive, maniacal, mad dog type. She’s subtle and doesn’t have an strong regional accent, so you’re gonna have to work for…

On the other hand, if he yells, “Cha-CHING!” and cranks his arm like he’s playing slots, you also know you don’t have to waste your time on another date.

I hate Liz Bennett for wasting an opportunity like that. What I wouldn’t give to be able to legitimately introduce myself as Elizabeth or Lizzie Bennett.

Omg yes!!!!

I pluralize all ends-in-s words with a double i. Penii. Genii. Jesii.

I will literally do this. Send me a Hobby Lobby or JoAnn Fabrics gift card for supplies.

I regret the implication that I am not a true fan. I was 13 when Little Earthquakes came out, in 1991. It’s absurd, not only that I would be denied true fan status, but even more so that I would be cast as an outlier. I would argue true fan-age to be at least a range of 15 during the 90s, if not solely placed in the…

That's the one improvement they could make-a little screen on the back that says what you're currently reading. Optional, of course.

I feel like this about everything she discussed. I couldn’t get much further into the article than the above point. She was just such a dismissive asshole it wasn’t even fun to hate-read.

Yeah, and the most famous uttering of the phrase in song is from a woman who was abused by her husband(s). Standing by your man is such a chaaaaarming concept, right?