I live in opposite world, because some of my friends are hypochondriacs and consume way too much medical care. Recently, a friend got dizzy getting up from the toilet one morning and she called an ambulance, went to the emergency room and had an MRI. The diagnosis was that there was nothing wrong with her.

I would like to buy your dad a beer.

The only goats that have my heart are baby goats. Cannot accept any others.

Hooray! I miss 4-day weekends! Can’t wait until my next at Thanksgiving!

B-b-but HEALTH! AND SLIPPERY SLOPES! AND HEALTH! THE LAST TIME I SAW A PICTURE OF A HAPPY FAT PERSON I HAD TO EAT A WHOLE DEEP-FRIED CHEESECAKE! WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN???!!!!111?

A cute ponytail that doesn’t make me look like I tried to scalp myself and then stuck hair all over my head to look like multiple antennae. Or alternatively like I have several horns made of hair. With a few pulled-out brillo pads in the back comprising the actual tail. I want a volume-y, glossy situation like Tina’s.

“The hole in the stall of the men’s room? Honey, that’s a glory hole. Hell no I’m not gonna fill it in. The gay guys love it, getting their dick sucked by a stranger. It’s been there forever. You know we do family halloween every year, right? The kids love it. We use that hole for scary puppets to pop out of it and…

Not going to lie. I really want to try this. Can you pick your ice cream flavors and everything?!

That was the worst, but not the only. I guess trying on other people's gowns is a thing ppl are ok with. We've had to stop (mostly) bridesmaids from trying on each others gowns. Do what you want with it when you get home, but in our store no one wears your gown but you, ever.

omg you're literally the only other person I've ever encountered who's allergic to melon. I really pissed off my first boyfriend's mom when I visited them for the first time. She was a very proper Southern lady and served melon balls for dessert and I could tell she completely did not believe me about my allergy…