Stupid bird.

Also obligatory:

I must have been on the cusp of a cycle or a no-hitter during my entire baseball career as a kid because none of my teammates ever spoke to me.

I come here for sports and this big whiny article is the final straw. I tried to contact your new ownership to let them know but I couldn’t find anything.

...says the guy who spends 60 hours a week being mean and petty to strangers online. You’re so hollow inside, you need to type instead of speak, lest your open mouth allow external and internal pressures to equalise.

Never thought I’d see a pro-gun take on Deadspin.

As I scrolled through I kept hoping the last email would be ZMF. This was already a shitty day, and no ZMF was the withered, moldy cherry on top.

Middleswarth chips are superior to most chips in general.

#GMT800GANG4LYFE

It works best on a car with factory bolt-on wheel flares, drop tanks, a 5L V8 with more horsies than are sensible, and in a car which is smaller than a Cruze.

If you’re in Pennsylvania, Middleswarth BBQ chips are far superior. I know Herr’s has a larger distribution footprint though even though they’re headquartered in PA.

Middleswarth - end of discussion

Not gonna lie. I've been saving this puppy for a Jalopnik Storm Area 51 post. My time has finally come. 

Nobody cares that you’re scared of girls.

BMW’s X models are this generation’s version of the classic Volvo wagon. When you have kids, they’re actually a pretty great compromise between fun to drive, comfortable, and child friendly.

Well, not being a dad yet means I still get to be the funcle. But my most ‘Dad’ car would be the 5sd 6 wagon, of course, with the Matrix XRS a close second (the van is out tenants, so it doesn’t count).

now i want someone with more talent than me to photoshop a picture of AF One wearing a giant red tie flapping in the breeze

Somebody in Philadelphia has a problem with the color orange? I know a guy.

the New York Yankees are a wicked, awful baseball team