“My bad - I thought it was October. And why are the Cardinals dressed like the Mets?”

Fascinating - I wonder what that 3.5% I send to the City of Philadelphia every two weeks is.

Calling Texas “southern” is likely to get you shot in Texas.

He just hasn’t asked the right folks for help.

The key is - does he smell like a mix of Aqua Velva, Lucky Strikes, and Whisky?

Bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world.

And if you leave your house now, you just might be able to make it to the new stadium by October.

“What are a roof?”

Lee Elia knows the answer to this question.

“That doesn’t look like interference to me.” - Brett Hull.

Erie Community College - the safety school for kids who don’t get in to Attica.

I’ve always wanted to visit a gay steel mill.

You know, I thought I had CTE once for an entire year. Turned out I was just really bored.

It’d be like a lifelong Cubs fan and Senator wearing a Yankees hat.

“See that guy there, Ben? He’s my black friend. Uncle Ben, really. Like the guy on the box of rice. Then that lady over there - Oma-something. She’s like the lady on the syrup bottle. Aunt Jemimer. Great people - hard working people. Love their products.”

This is clearly the worst thing to happen to the Americans in the last week.