The woman in Valerie’s story has a brilliant idea. Nobody would turn down an apology pizza. An apology pizza could end wars.

The waitress in that second story was so hilariously clueless, I pictured her as Starfire from Teen Titans Go. “On Tamaran, we offer the free refills of the beverages!”

Ohhhhhhhhhhh,
Who knows about cucumbers under the sea?
THIS-EM-PLOY-EE!
But never set foot in a garden has she!
THIS-EM-PLOY-EE!

it really took me a long time to differentiate between lobster crackers and oyster crackers tbh

Jamie Layton’s story reminds me of a famous story I heard when I was working at a regional theater festival.

Librarian burns are the best burns.

Who needs that many pickles?! Clearly that was that woman's first visit to planet earth.

YES! I have been refreshing Kitchenette for the last hour.

Popcorn is an All Times food!

Look some people have never eaten eggs before, that's not their fault. Your egg privilege is showing!

I think the Pickle-Tip guy was a malfunctioning outer space robot from Mars. See, he heard, "Don't take any wooden nickles," and then glitched it into "don't take any wooden pickles," and then misinterpreted that to mean "The earth-humans demand gifts of pickles plaaced upon the wooden table. I have pleases Emperor…

(To the tune of "Star Spangled Banner")

Oh my god this popcorn story actually has me crying Callie you are a real live American fucking hero.

so good.

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know my cheddar biscuits will be free. And I won't forget the men who died, so I can bitch about automatic gratuity.

Me during the popcorn story

BCO is the only thing I look forward to on Mondays .

YAY! Next time my husband complains about his lactose intolerance I'm gonna start chanting "MUTANT! MUTANT! MUTANT!"

I was once sitting in the library at my old community college, doing some homework. There was a guy sitting a few tables over from me, diligently working on his own homework. I happened to look up, and he had paused in his work, kinda staring off into space. As I watched, he picked up his calculator and very…

How did he think it got burnt in a swirling pattern?