I fart on your happiness.

Yeah, closing schools so teachers could play hooky to go to a parade for a child’s game while those parents of those kids were forced to take off work to take care of them. So stupid.

It’s actually really good advice, if you only wear your jeans once a month to places where there's no chance of getting dirt on them and don't engage in any activities which might make you sweat.

Dude, have you never seen Clerks II?

No, I’m stating that given that lifestyle, it’s probably not really a big deal unless you go and fuck your cousin.

I can’t imagine running into a cousin at a swingers party; if I walked into a room and saw my cousin getting plowed. I’d probably need counseling.

Lyndon Johnson. He retrofitted a White House shower specifically so that one of the water jets could massage his dick, so YES.

Imagine if, to attend an NFL game in person, you HAD to wear a full uniform, shoulder pads, helmet, and all. And it had to stay on the whole game.

Always highl- oh wait.

It’s just as likely that she was a lying whore

That's not what this is. This is not being cleared, this is "ugh, this whole process has been horrible and stressful and I need to move on with my life." No factual determinations have been made about the truth of the accusations.

You’re an idiot. This is by no means an indication that Patrick Kane is guilty. Victims of sexual assault decline to cooperate with prosecutors investigators all the time, and it almost never has to do with the actual guilt of the alleged perpetrator. It’s almost always, as appears to be the case here, the stress of…

I skipped this article and went straight to the comments.

Your comment belies your comment.

So much for the Monday headline, “KLITORISES LICKED BY DOLPHINS.”

Next time don’t read it out loud.

“I could take him.”

But it’s not free if you just give it to them.

I don’t know that it would’ve been “OK,” but they wouldn’t have been followed out of the restaurant in the first place had they left even a decent tip.

PEOPLE WHO INTERRUPT THE CASHIER WHO’S DEALING WITH SOMEONE ELSE, EVEN IF IT’S TO ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION, ARE GARBAGE PEOPLE AND SHOULD ALL FALL DOWN, REPEATEDLY!!!! (sorry, this Monday is having a case of the Mondays and I’m being a grumpy-face and that was something I HATED. I mean HATED!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!!one!!!…