You eat a sub with the seam on the bottom? That makes no sense.

Eat a sandwich with the seam on the bottom. You’ll look like an idiot because that’s not how you eat a sandwich. Now eat a hot dog with the seam on the side. You’ll look like an idiot because that’s not how you eat a hot dog. And in both cases, you’ll be covered in a toppings mess.

Any turkey will fly if you kick it hard enough.

HIMYM has the slap bet, which is a classic on its own. That's a twofer. 

Colorado Springs is surrounded by military bases, which means we get the worst drivers from all 50 states and other nations. Don't drive if it's raining or slightly dark. And avoid all roundabouts. 

This will be hard to explain, but because of where they built ours, and the limited space they had, the drive thru forces the parking lot traffic to only go one-way. But that way forces you to leave the parking lot by driving on the left whilst entering on the right. So naturally you get a lot of people who can't…

Steak n’ Shake is so good that, here in Colorado Springs, I’ll sit through what is consistently the worst service I’ve ever recieved at a restaurant just to get that garlic double with extra cheese.

The best non-stick pan is a well-seasoned and maintained cast iron pan. 

If their porn search history is any indication, they don't have to leave to get their freak on.

Then Dipshit45 would reduce its size and give the rest to miners. 

Next up: Casper.

Or maybe it was because you’re an asshole.

It’s been so long since I've seen it. You'd think the power of Kevin Bacon playing chicken on a tractor and teaching everyone the power of dance would've rubbed off on them. 

It’s like they're in some sort of race against themselves to become the most lame state in the country (they already are). The whole state is that one town from Footloose.

Pierce finally became a level 6 Laser Lotus.

Papa John’s complained the ACA would cost them $16 million.

My wife makes me homemade chicken soup if I'm super sick. I drink a ton of apple juice or cider. 

Because her PR people didn't finish the surveys until this morning. 

Aurelio's has the best antipasto salad, too. So so good.