“Can we stop vilifying women who aren’t doing Times Up well enough?”

I’m a high school teacher. On Thursday we had a scheduled lock-down drill. After this shooting, I took it upon myself to explain to my kids how very real and necessary the lock-down drills are to keeping them safe. I had to coach them on the safest places in the classroom to hide so they wouldn’t be seen from the…

Thanks so much for this! I would have missed it otherwise.

I feel so old. Raise your hand if you were watching season 3 when Keith was kicked off for pattern books!

Can we replace Megyn Kelly with her?

The hottest royal and seems to love children. I think I started ovulating and I’m a guy.

What about Jennifer Tilly?

I am not really much of a kid person but I really do love this kid’s resting bitch face.

This is why I outsource my hotness. There’s another guy out there dealing with all of that getting hit on and managing various relationships and getting offers to star in movies. Too much work.

That’s because the people who would be interested in the New Yorker aren’t fucking savages.

It’s a flat tax. 6 minutes of sex that can best be described as ‘uncomfortable’ with a dude who looks like a well-dressed suburban Ohio middle school vice principal, every Saturday at 8:30 pm on the dot. But you can write off the 4 martinis required to get you pleasantly fuzzy prior to the act, so there’s that.

#PowderedWigs #SilkShoes #Cake #PoorsAreJustJealous

The goal is to eliminate having to wash towels every day because no one knows which towel is theirs.

Love how people are “Dahling, I’d adore to but I have to wash my hair. Also, you are a racist pig-dog and a traitor. Kisses. And by kisses I mean die.”

your anatomy must work different than mine. getting into a sports bra is a 15-20 minute procedure.

Noomi Rapace. Willem Defoe. Glenn Motherfucking Close.

I am so disappointed the younger generation didn’t run with our nickname for the college futon, the flip-n-fuck.

Yes. Why don’t guys understand how hard a blow job is?! IT’S CALLED A BLOW JOB!

AND BRUSH THEIR TEETH TWICE A DAY

Mandatory showers for all 6th graders. I don't care that you don't think you smell. MANDATORY.