the rerun you’re probably half-watching right now while you second screen

It’s a therapeutic abortion, not an elective abortion, but it is still very much an abortion. 

Now new, but my brain somehow transposed “reading this dirtbag about eating alone” into “reading about this dirtbag eating alone.” D’oh.

“Dirtbag”...? Has he ever actually done anything wrong or do you just not like him?

Does he seriously accidentally substitute his own name for the character’s name in one sentence? Oh my god, that is beyond rich.

I’ve always had the vague idea that “editor” in the fashion world refers to some stereotypical fashion magazine editor - sharp, professional, stylish. Similar to how “boyfriend” in the fashion world means soft and relaxed fitting, not literally something your boyfriend would wear.

The latest trend in entrepreneurship appears to be picking a random household item out of a hat, finding a way to “millenialize” it, then advertising aggressively on social media. And while I’m sure there are some failures that I haven’t even heard about, I can think of at least a dozen that appear to be succeeding in…

Idk, I’d think FIVE YEARS is enough time to save up for a single trip to meet your fiancé in person...and if not, maybe just try to find someone in your own city to marry?

She may have technically been first, but don’t even act like you don’t know who the true queen of bejeweled nude bodysuits is.

Throughout this whole saga (which I am living for), my favorite part has been Lil Nas’s Twitter account.

How has this been up for fifteen minutes and still says “milk ducks”?

I don’t watch Game of Thrones (heresy, I know) and I couldn’t tell why Kit Harington looked so different/weird than how I vaguely remembered him in the past. I feel validated to know that it was not just his bizarre black turtleneck and beige-pink suit combo.

I went to a foam party in Panama City Beach, because at the time that combination of words didn’t sound absolutely horrifying. To keep things from getting ruined by the foam, none of us brought our phones, only one girl brought a cheap purse with our hotel key in it, and we all bought rubber flip flops. I ended up…

Well damn, I saw one of the “hot college boys” we hung out with on Spring Break then never talked to again on Tinder 6 years later, and I thought *that* was a crazy coincidence.

If only you could get your bloodwork at the same location as your clinic, and run all the tests on a single drop of blood, no less! Wait, that’s just another sham (Theranos) that came about when someone tried to revolutionize healthcare without having healthcare experience. Who would’ve thought that many inconveniences…

Unrelated, but Lori Lightfoot vs. Toni Preckwinkle sounds like it was the race for mayor of an adorable fairytale land, not Chicago.

The phrase “no high fructose or corn syrup” makes me quite confident that she doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about anyway.

“The best of both worlds, like when you take an upper and a downer at the same time.”

Yeah, I eventually realized she meant she would do it *differently,* but that definitely came out very weird.

It’s because while everyone else is chatting with the subject and doing their little confessionals and spouting out catchphrases that are perfect for TV, Bobby is busy remodeling an entire house. (I get that he has help, but still.)