All you need to know about purity rings you can learn from serial adulterer and all around sin-sational guy Donald Trump, and his comically high approval rating with the morally “superior” Talibangelicals.

Because nothing shows you oppose cops being stereotyped for cruelty and barbarism like a fucking Punisher logo.

1. Cut all the brownies and place them on a plate.

Probably because Trump has made worrying about illegals crossing the new social commentary fad so I don’t blame them trying to get as much attention as they possibly can before people move onto some other cause for 5 seconds and the deaths continue.

The problem with Boston area teams is you always knew a lot of the fans were terrible winners because you just had to look at the Celtics and Bruins. In the 80s people embraced Bird — and remember Simmons egregiously insists on using that godawful Basketball Jesus nickname whenever possible — because of his melanin…

Your Idiot is the most important job title I have, and I wear it with pride.

Right if you want to Netherlands go to Rensselaer or Schenectady, maybe Batavia if you are feeling sporty. No passport needed.  

I sleep in a race car bed.

Surely hidden under a pound of melted cheese. Same as when I gave my dog her heartworm pill.

“FOUND AFTER SWALLOWING 1/2 PACK OF GUM IN ROOM AT HOME, EMPTY WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE”

Iambic Pentameburn

Wonderful Christmastime sounds like a Wesley Willis song.

I feel like Christmas Shoes at least gets points for being SO FUCKING MAUDLIN.

Just want to say thank you for all your work, especially your incredible investigative pieces year after year. Deadspin is a great place for dick jokes and making fun of Austin Rivers, but for me, no author’s byline here commands as much attention as yours.

“Wonderful Christmastime” may be the worst song in the history of music.

I cannot CANNOT understand how a woman, especially a mother, can be anti-abortion. There was nothing that solidified my already firmly held pro-choice beliefs more than pregnancy and parenting.

I’ve shown both English and Western and this guy looks like a man who was once told he was a natural, and rides once a year in the 4th of July parade to show off. He can’t even sit properly on a gaited horse, and he holds his hands like he’s riding a bicycle. That horse is all “WTF GET OFF!”

You can tell he isn’t good because of how he lets the horse move his weight rather than use his weight to influence the horse, he doesn’t support his core so he gets tipped up every time the horse moves. The ring thing can be taught easily and it could be loose through laziness, but like riding a bike, how you move…

On the ballot where it said “Do Not Write in This Space” the President wrote, “OK.”

I used to have some affection for you, Philly. Now you deserve to be smacked in the balls with a cheese ladle. Go swim in a dumpster pool, fuckheads.