I sent Anna Wintour a picture of me wearing my sweatpants and a Dog the Bounty Hunter t-shirt I got on sale at a Family Dollar store and asked her if it was cool if I went tonight. She told me I could wear the outfit at the Met Gala, but only if I agreed to sit with Giuliana Rancic. I turned her down.

These same fuckwads were in my town carrying rifles in front of the goddamn high school yesterday. Makes me sick.

That is just straight-up terrifying. If I saw a group of men with assault rifles in a public place, I wouldn't even assume it was an armed robbery, I'd assume it was a planned mass shooting.

In related news, 4 men with the smallest penises in the world showed up at a local jack in the box to show off their huge guns.

I cannot believe they were surprised the people were terrified. I think this is exactly what they wanted. Makes them feel powerful.

Find another vet. I'm serious. No vet worth a damn would prevent families from being with their pets at the end. My vet came to our house so our boy could die in peace in our arms, in our home.

You stay with your pet when he or she is being euthanized. I don't care that it is "too hard" for you. You suck it up, hold your pet, give kisses, and stay until the very end. Then you go to the beach and scream for as long as it takes. You do not leave your pet behind to be euthanized alone. Period. (Also, this vet…

Don't worry about Ralphee! I have a CH kitty.... People are always really concerned when they first meet her (tears have been shed!), but they soon realize that she gets by just fine. She can't jump, but she can climb like a mofo and she's absolutely fearless. She has a lot of fans.

The best parts of cat ownership is creeping them out and pissing them off. Nothing better than a mildly annoyed feline.

Thanks for easing my mind! I'll give the kitties a relieved cuddle instead!

OH GOD HER CROTCH HAS TURNED INTO A BLACK HOLE OH GOD RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

That's just the toxins leaving your colon!

Yeah, anything that's marketed by mention of "toxins" has me running the other way, even if it's actually benign or, as in this case, potentially helpful in other ways. "Toxins" are the "bad humours" of the 21st century Western yuppie world. Ugh.

You know what I use to "detox"? My liver and my kidneys. You know what I don't use? Anything involved with the words "homeopathic" and "detox"

I can believe the oral health thing, but there is no way that it will cure a migraine. Twenty minutes into a migraine (the time it apparently takes to swish the oil around), and I'm already puking up everything I ate that day. I call bullshit on that part.

Imma go with the hepatitis toxins....

The white crap you see in the oil is probably microemulsions of air (and saliva) created by the cavitation as you violently swish the oil back and forth.

You're ripping early afternoon sports talk radio hosts. You do get that, right?