California? This looks more like the bastard child of a hospital cafeteria and a Kentucky county fair.

I want to read a full-length essay from you.

Come on, now. The people who would be mad at hearing Trump called a racist fuckface shitstain instead of just a racist are already pissed off that you said it in Spanish. Think things through before self-censoring!

Happy Happy Turkey Day
Hunger pains will go away
When you hear the pilgrims say
‘It’s Happy Turkey Day!’

Happy happy turkey day
Let’s all eat the Indian way
As Bastille and Cape Cod Day
On Happy Turkey Day!

I was going to give up food until you mentioned chocolate, and I remembered that chocolate is a food.

But guns are totes okay. No problem there!

I just don’t get this logic of, “well, he didn’t harass me, so he couldn’t have harassed anyone else.” Apply that to a murderer! “Well, Ted Bundy didn’t kill me, so he couldn’t have killed anyone else.”

I always want these when I see them, but I wouldn’t know what to do with them. My favorite eyeshadow palette is 5 matte colors from LA Color ($1.50 at Dollar General!) that go together and are almost impossible to put on wrong. When I buy complicated or figure-it-out-yourself makeup, I end up looking like a clown.

I always want these when I see them, but I wouldn’t know what to do with them. My favorite eyeshadow palette is 5…

whaaaaat.

I feel like this entire essay can be summarized as instructions to please go read the short story “Another Antigone.”

Who does this punishment serve? I just wish we could waste time trying to put rapists in jail instead of horribly misguided parents who admit that they fucked up and clearly were doing what they thought was in their child’s best interest at the time.

Oh, come on. If you can’t tell the difference between Star Lord, Captain America, Captain Kirk, and Thor, you probably shouldn’t be going to movies. (What’s this about them all being named Chris, though?)

Did Astronaut Barbie almost crash the space ship into the moon and only survive because Brian and Steve, the real astronauts who are good at their jobs, fixed her mistakes?

You have to be making this up. ALL OF IT. YOU HAVE TO BE.

I was with you until I read what was actually in it. Now I’m wondering where the closest Whole Foods is.

I had to read this three times. Once, to read it. Twice, to make sure I understood what I just read. The third time was out loud to my extremely conservative father.

I’m a little surprised that I didn’t see quite as many “if they wanted livable living conditions, they shouldn’t have been criminals!” commenters as I expected. Here’s something I didn’t see remarked upon much, either.

Letting people have weapons of mass murder and then complaining when mass murder is committed is like wiping with poison ivy and then complaining that your ass itches. How much less damage would this guy—or any of the perpetrators of mass shootings in the last few years, not all of whom were Muslim—have done if he’d…

What is wrong with this country? Why are we too stupid to stop handing out assault rifles and high capacity magazines as if there could possibly be a legitimate purpose for owning one? Why can’t we put a shock collar on Fox News as an entity and just zap them every time someone blames this on Obama? Why can’t we…

Well, I’m not claiming to have all the answers here. I just don’t see the public school system getting better until the wealthy have an incentive to make it better.