Wait- you’re saying Obama is the one being “deliberately disingenuous” here? He’s the only adult in the fucking room, dude.

We must bring Jon Stewart back by fiat.

THE SILENT MAJORITY??

I honestly think human babies are some of the least-cute mammal babies. Sometimes I feel like a robot when people are like, “Oh, aren’t you the cutest thing!” to a baby and I’m like, excuse me, have you literally never seen a puppy?

What a cutie!

Next time I see a guy in cargo pants I’m going to force him to build me a house. I mean, walking around looking all probably-owns-a-hammer...what did he think would happen? #CarpenterLookingAssBitch.

Surely the agreement covered speaking publicly, but providing testimony to the DA? That shouldn’t be part of the agreement in the first place, since to refuse is obstructing justice on other cases.

Arrogance is a really bad drug.

I saw a form someone had from a school that let parents opt out of a lot of stuff, don’t want to go to the bake sale or bake anything? cool give $20. Don’t want to help sell cookies and candy bars? cool give $35. so on and so forth there were about a half a dozen things you could opt out of during the school year. I…

Power moms are bananas. It's why I just wrote a check to the PTA and went home.

I loved teaching high schoolers so much you guys but so much of my energy was devoted to dealing with crazy parents and appeasing the uber-PTA crowd. When you’re that involved in your kids’ school life, you are taking teachers’ attention away from creative lesson planning and timely grading. Moreover, it’s not like…

If it's real, legitimate impotence the male body has a way of preventing it on its own. Anything else and they must have allowed it or enjoyed it, so no need to provide medication.

Not passive aggressive. Aggressive.

Why can’t men accept impotence as what it so very clearly is? God’s will for them.

I try. I try so hard with Kanye, because I think some of the shit that is rained down on him has at least a little to do with the color of his skin, but good lord that man is a full-fledged man-child asshole. It’s like performance art at this point, but really bad performance art where the guy stands in the middle of…

It’s really scary when you realize Kim Kardashian is the smart one in that relationship.

I think he asked for her blessing to write a lyric saying he should collect on having sex with Taylor Swift for making her famous.

Kanye "asked his wife for her blessings" to... call Taylor Swift a bitch?

Every single “nice” thing someone said about him, as quoted in this article, is pretty much textbook damning with faint praise. It’s pretty beautiful to witness.

Panton told Jezebel in an emailed statement. “Ted and I had many mutual friends who would usually stop by to watch movies, play video games, or even engage in long, fun discussions about politics, philosophy, and life.”