If I were your parents, I'd be so proud of you and your cute ways.

Silly, Barbie didn’t shit, she simply expelled glitter.

SLAYED SHOW N TELL WITH THIS BARBIE:

No toilet? Did Barbie shit in the tub?

As a comedian, I am not fond of hecklers. However, some things deserve to be heckled. This is one of those things.

abigail breslin has far more chutzpah than i. i would not be able to tell a comedian his dumb rape jokes aren’t funny and instead would try to slink out.

Have a buddy that is a tattoo artist also, and he won’t do it either. Says it is the surest way to “garuntee”a breakup.

That’s fine, because “Panties are the Bin Liner of Your Jeans” is the title of the third chapter of my autobiography-to-be. I’m debating whether to title the whole thing “Covered in My Own Filth” or “Commando Anyway”

Symbols for people are better than names.

My new artist* won’t do it either! No spouses, boyfriends or religious symbols.

Good for her. Only $64,850 more than I get for child support.

honestly, if we think to much about what we’ve been told by Judge Commando, we’re ALL disgusting, because we’re all thinly coated with our own poo. Double gross if you’re not scum, and therefore have to use a laundromat and be covered lightly with other-people ooze. I like to think we’d all give off a gentle glow…

Kourtney is my husband’s favorite Kardashian.

zero guilt, because i finally did something right

i defs lold

my mother, natch.

Who did you have to sell your soul to?

okay but i finally learned how to fold a fitted sheet and that was a proud moment

I don’t know, I feel like when people use “adulting” they’re acknowledging the fact that they’re incompetent adults and they’re doing the bare minimum. I always see it as making fun of themselves (myself included), not thinking they actually deserve a prize.