When I worked for my high school newspaper (which was actually a pretty large publication as school papers go), one of my “beats” was News of the Weird, where I had to find weird news from the community. I feel like literally every headline everyday is News of the Weird now.

“Take Joseph and Mary. Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter,” Ziegler told the Washington Examiner. “They became parents of Jesus.”

Also, God knocked Mary up and never paid child support.

What Mr Ziegler fails to remember is that Joseph never sexually assaulted Mary. Hell, Joseph never had sex with Mary AT ALL until...well, the Bible never says they had sex.

Actually, no. In a nod to diversity, he is the loser kid of non-celebrity rich people from Long Island.

I’m only a para-paralegal, but I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to kiss 14-year-olds when you’re the-length-of-an-entire-gotdamn-childhood older.

In Paul’s defense, it’s tough to prove battery when the hands are invisible.

To put it more compactly: if you change Obamacare’s name to Trumpcare but leave the rest of the program exactly the same, Trump’s poorly informed, cult of personality supporters will immediately reverse course and declare it the best thing ever.

President Obama’s “health care for all” law was officially called the “Affordable Care Act” but has been nicknamed Obamacare in honor of its champion.

There are so many levels of irony here that I officially don’t understand any of it. Someone do a translation for a befuddled non-American?

Somewhat unfair. Kimmel’s playing master 3D chess against novice Tic-Tac-Toe players.

This is gold, nothing tops letting imbeciles make imbeciles of themselves in public.

Then a hurricane came, and devastation reigned,
Our man saw his future drip, drippin’ down the drain,
Put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain,
And he wrote his first refrain, a testament to his pain.

Well the word got around, they said, “This kid is insane, man!”
Took up a collection just to send him to the…

you’re fucked if you do it wrong since you’re an IC

My SIL sells this garbage. My wife and I refer to it as “clothes for the suburban mom who has given up.”

LuLaRoe Founders Respond to Pyramid Scheme Allegations:

...I don’t see a great deal of difference between that and now.

At its current rate of decay, Fox News’ programming c. 2022 will just be crazed, geriatric white guys drawing mustaches and devil horns on Hillary Clinton’s publicity photos.

A trans woman defeating the guy who tried to pass a bathroom bill is the kind of poetic justice we need.

You’ve apparently never used a magic eraser on bathroom tile.