For the uninitiated, the book—which is a relatively short 28 pages

Who the fuck are these people who want MORE emotionally-fraught obligations around holiday time that they have to make up new “traditions,” is what I want to know.

I always figured the Santa thing was for the parents, so that the parents give without an expectation of thanks. That’s how we did. Full disclosure: i am terrible at this stuff, and my youngest told us on Christmas day when he was 4 that he didn’t believe in Santa because he had found all the hidden presents. He also…

Hey, now. I live in the South! I think it’s less a Southern thing and more of being-part-of-a-freaky-cult thing.

The one guy has a straight-up hair hat. It’s like he knows he’s going bald eventually so he’s getting out ahead of the curve by making his signature look “really obvious toupee” to set the stage for old-age plausible deniability.

They’re designed to protect them against the temptation of adultery.

Ouch.

Even in death, Joan is still the only way Melissa can find work.

I did and loved every moment

Excuse me, America. Are you quite finished yet?

Also the Texas Woman doesn’t want to be witnessed applying or removing her make-up and will travel to another county if she suspects a bowel movement may occur. Just piss with the door open in front of a dainty southern gal. DEAR GOD THE DRAMA. It was awesome.

You know what I feel like they would need separate rooms because shes a Texan and hes a New Yorker. He wants his damn fancy all black everything shit in his bedroom and she probably wants all purple everything(she seems like a fan of purple). He wants the multiple full body mirrors to see his suit from all sides and…

If I had a piece of coal between my knees it would be a diamond now. That’s how hard that mental image made me clench my legs together just now.

Jokes on you, he still has that 50 cents in his front pocket to this day. Just waiting....waiting.

Last I checked,we don’t have a rubber shortage in America. When I was in college we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila!

Mark it: 9:41 AM Eastern Standard Time, December 1st 2015. The day “Let’s Pizza” entered my everyday vocabulary

This is why men shouldn’t be allowed to congregate.

Then this shooting should make you extra mad, right?

I worked for several years as a volunteer “clinic guard” at a clinic which provided abortion services. This type of situation was always our worst case scenario and my heart goes out to the patients, staff and security whose lives have been forever changed because one of “the antis” finally took their bloody rhetoric…

I’d like every single piece of shit who claimed this guy was “saving babies” to look into the eyes of these people’s children and tell them their parents died for a good cause.