Or ranch dressing. After all, Hidden Valley declared it to be America’s #1 condiment.

I’m looking forward to when Salty is played by Rude Negro.

I’m on Team Olive Oil. I know with practically an entire aisle in every supermarket commanded by Big Salad Dressing, I’m on a struggling team, but I’m not giving up.

And ranch dressing is even more disgusting than plain mayonnaise. Ketchup, on the other hand, must have been a joke, like Scientology, that somehow…

If you noticed, the pros that will be matched with the “stars” haven’t been announced yet. Mr. Spicer is in for a surprise: he’s going to be half of the first same-sex couple on DWTS! (Clickhole, are you listening?)

In other news, an anonymous source with connections to DWTS producers leaked that both Matt Lauer and…

They can call it WW or Weight Watchers or Kurbo but it’s still a fucking diet. Yeah, let’s get kids in the dieting mentality while they’re developing their relationship with food. What could go wrong? Hey, how about teaching them to recognize fullness and hunger and make the choices they want to, adding in nutritional…

I know I have a jar of pumpkin spice somewhere then I’m going for pork shoulder and back fat, getting out my meat grinder, and pumpkin spice sausage here we come!!

“Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of speech, unless it shall be to ensure the right of a police officer to be able to enjoy his lunch...”

In these troubled times, Aubrey is what the world needs. I don’t know why I think that. Maybe it’s the 8.3% double IPA I’m drinking which incidentally wouldn’t do a thing to relieve her pain, but the 7.5% Mystic Bumbleberry Frappe IPA with lactose might. (Are you listening, Kate?)

Hey Gabe, I heard they’re naming another submersible for Raymond Throatwobbler Mangrove, once they have the “Raymond Luxury Yacht” stencil done. You may now express your indignation.

The Chicken Alfredo ($10.95) is warm and comforting on a cold day.

I don’t know. I drank so many spritzes, I never got around to making the pizza. Ha!

“The queen didn’t ask this guy to leave the Royal Buffet.”

In other food industry news, International House of Pancakes has changed its name to International House Of. “Our new name, IHO, will make it clear that we haven’t decided what we’re going to serve, but it will be more than just pancakes. And no jokes about ‘ho’, please.”

A pancake is not a sandwich unless there is a hot dog is on it... or if it’s wrapped around a hot dog, i.e., a pig in a pancake, but I’m not sure if it’s a sandwich if the hot dog is chopped into pieces and mixed with the batter before the pancake is cooked. I’ll have to ask some celebrities to get the answers.

There’s nothing more American than using the cheapest anything. In this case, it’s rice with its flavorless profile as the source of sugars for the yeast. And they brag about it. Make American Great Again!

“Hey, we’re having a get-together after work.. gonna be lots of beer and maybe some women there too...”

Those ethics oozed out the door after about the sixth mug of Bud.

What I don’t get in all this is Salty’s use of the word “comp” in her two cases of Major Fuck Ups. If you don’t get food, you should never pay for it. If your food is inedible, e.g., a worm in it, served unsafely undercooked, spoiled ingredients, you should never pay for it. Would *anyone* even begin to suggest you…

Finally I can open my restaurant at Texas airports. It will be the one with the pirate theme that serves pasta dishes delivered by drones. Up until now every airport has denied me because I donate to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

“Is there anything this drink does a Negroni doesn’t do better?”