How? Your eyes are practically closed.

An upcoming For Our Consideration: Would it really be so bad for Superman to kill people?

At first I read that as Adam West: Petite Anal Slave and was quite intrigued.

Are you sure you know who you're talking to here?

Don't you think I'm falling for yet another ploy to get me to listen to your farts.

Edward better be careful what he does with those scissors of his, though, or he'll run into some real problems.

In this version of his origin story, Uncle Ben is killed because Peter couldn't master his short game.

Is it just me or did the "Hey everyone" voiceover just sound terrible?

I just wanted to let you know I'll be downvoting every post you make for the foreseeable future. I won't even feel bad about it because they'd all deserve downvotes anyway.

Great Job, Commentariat!

Mmmmmm… BB-8 can tell me to use the bathroom whenever he wants.

I didn't write any jokes then, though! What do I do???

Both topical and controversial. I wish you luck on your upvote journey.

I would not mind one brit

It sounds like someone chopped his tongue off and threw it at the wall.

You know you've made it when two of the first comments on a Newswire are about you.

But I've been hating Adam Sandler all this time! Are you telling me I should've been hating Stallone?

Did you take that from the Newswire about the Simpsons live episode?

Didn't you hear? Kanye didn't see his shadow!

I rewatched the "For the Man Who Has Everything" episode of JLU after watching the Supergirl adaptation of the story. JLU really did it well (unsurprisingly).
I also started rewatching Danny Phantom, which not many of you have likely seen. I'm in the second season, and I think I'm actually enjoying it more this time…