You joke, but I do in fact suspect that restaurants everywhere have a secret conspiracy to slip peas into random foods. Stupid little green balls of vegetative disgustingness (not to be confused with the stupid orange ball of vegetative disgustingness in the white house).

When you're the #1 most marginalized and victimized demographic in America. You know, white people.

She's too overqualified to be Trump's FEMA director.

In truth, my perspectives towards certain states has really changed in the last election, including Colorado. Though as a native Marylander, I'm still having trouble coming to terms with Pennsylvania becoming more racist than our hated neighbors in Virginia. Oh dear God . . . does this mean I have to start being…

This one goes up to eleven.

No, switching to Kinja doesn't bring any tears. It's more being quietly smothered in your sleep with a pillow.

I mean, that's definitely a part of it. I'm really opposed to religious violence, for example, but that doesn't mean that I don't want for there to be religions.

Nope, but now that I have, my life is just a little bit more fulfilled.

I'm willing to take whatever nonfictional butt-stuff I have to. You know, for the site. Not because I'm lonely.

Oh . . . I'm used to people getting incredibly pissed of when I don't like it.

I'm just gonna say it. I don't like Imagine. I think it's a shitty song. It's saccharine and doesn't really say anything particularly deep, other than a level of morality that we teach in kindergarten. It's the musical equivalent of those people who think government would be better if we just elected "real people"…

It at least makes me feel better to know that Doug or Rob wasn't involved. After all of the crossover episodes where they jokingly pretended to hate each other, and then her sudden departure, I was wondering whether or not that running gag might be based on some sort of actual animosity.

Um . . . I sorta wanna have sex there. What does that say about me?

So the next time you find yourself trapped in the little corners of your mind where the screaming is unbearable . . . remember - there's always madness! You can just step outside and close the door, and make all the nasty little thoughts . . . go away. Madness . . . is the emergency exit.

Okay, I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but make what clap?

I'm still trying to figure out what the deal with Lindsay Ellis' departure was; they really didn't seem to part ways on the best of terms. But yeah, that seems like regular interpersonal drama, and not anybody being a shitbag.

I actually felt a slight gag reflex when I read that. And I don't even mean figuratively. It was so scummy I felt a physical response.

Betsy, is that you?

Don't you run fucking marathons? If you can complete a marathon (or even a half-marathon), you can't possibly be obese (by any reasonable criteria). These BMI calculations are so stupid.

Part of that is economies of scale, though. Especially at fast food restaurants, where scaled production can really decrease food waste. Odds are they're moving ground beef through the kitchen so fast that it never has a chance to spoil, whereas they're probably throwing out a lot of wilted lettuce and that hits…