I have almost a year to plan for my 31st. Oh, yes. I’m gonna make all my friends smoke a tiny bit of pot and order Papa John’s pizza and then troll each other on AOL instant messenger.

This made me think of a standup that was going around a few months ago, questioning why people hate Guy Fieri so much, and the comic described Anthony Bourdain as a “human black T-shirt collection” who “seems like he’d be mean to dogs.” It honestly changed my life.

Thank you! I knew I had a reason I really believe in Ryan Gosling as an actor. I mean besides when he is beautiful and all shaggy in The Notebook. I fell in love with him as a little manipulative high school (spoiler alert) murderer in the great Sandra Bullock classic, Murder by Numbers. But I had completely forgotten…

GOD I’m so pissed off. Who isn’t telling these people their business? Why does Melania have all the best millions and still wear eye makeup that makes her look like a demon when she squints to smile?

On my thirtieth birthday, I was diagnosed with strep throat and heard in the pharmacy that Tom Petty was on life support. I just bawled in the toilet paper aisle. On top of the news in Las Vegas, this birthday was awful. Never been happier to stay in bed.

No...no no no. Not on board. She needs to run, as quickly as possible.

I’m not ashamed to say I saw every episode of Secret Life of the American Teenager. It makes for a GREAT drinking game if you drink anytime they say “Ricky” or “sex.”

My giant, bubble bangs began in kindergarten after I decided it would be a good idea to shear off my front hairs in fear I’d be caught using my ma’s fancy hair syrum to heal her awful straw hair after years of corkscrew perms. Obviously I was caught, and I had one inch thick bangs cut to cover it for picture day. I am…

My sister is two years younger. My mom said I hated her until it became clear I could boss her around. Then I was very protective of my girl. I once yelled loudly at a woman in a grocery store for coming too close to her stroller. I was three. I can imagine I was terrifying.

I am a pacifist, but that bitch was asking for it. Will watch again.

I once job-shadowed a woman who worked at a very ritzy hotel in Portland that catered to a lot of famous people. We asked her to dish on people, and she initially refused and was boringly professional. But, after some needling, she seemed totally cool with letting us know that Faye Dunaway was the nastiest bitch she’d…

Noooo! I started watching this and just fell in love. And then, I was DEVASTATED to realize I blew through BOTH seasons without realizing it. I finished season two (thinking it was one) and thought, “I’m going to savor this next season” and then there was NOTHING TO SAVOR. </3

Here, you two. It’s hot outside.

I’ve been in a few situations similar, and I’ve found my response was situational. In a bar, I turned around and loudly demanded the dude behind me not grab my ass. When I was at work once and found my male supervisor was being inappropriate in front of others, I didn’t feel the strength to say “The way you’re talking…

From what I’ve read, she didn’t want this sexual assault to define her or her career, which was basically exploding at the time it happened. It’s hard to rationalize how someone behaves in a situation like that. Her mom said on the stand that Taylor expressed that her first reaction was shame for not calling it out…

A few years ago before I even used Twitter much, I got blocked for telling Meghan McCain she wasn’t saying very intelligent things. Recently I was telling boyfriend about it, and he was obviously impressed. He’s been working on getting blocked by Hannity for some time now.

I already read some earlier. Apparently she deserves no congratulations because out-of-wedlock mothers are supposed to be shamed. Even extremely successful, financially set women. What year is this?

How are people mad at Beyonce? It’s BEYONCE. She was born performative. Is she going to reel it in now? I’m not arguing that it’s not incredibly grandiose, but I’d be bored if she did anything less.

Oh Jesus god, men, NEVER DO THIS. This gives me the most intense flashbacks to sexytimes with a guy I despised. His penis was pretty good but he was positively vomit-inducing in his bedroom repartee. He would do this during sex, and it would take me out of the mood immediately.   

Full disclosure: I have kissed three brothers, out of four total in the same family (not in quick succession). They’re all good friends of mine, never dated or had real romantic intentions, just some drunk fun kissin. They’re all cute and I regret nothing.