This is messed up but now I’m really in the mood for some cake.

The other day I noticed a bunch of Oreo crumbs had accumulated in my collarbones while I was eating in bed laying down. Sexy y/n?

Several years ago, I remember my wife yelling, “OH MY GOD”, so I go to where she is, looking out the sliding glass door onto the patio. There, on the patio, are two house sparrows beating the living shit out of each other. But, the thing that caught her (and me) by surprise was the fact that there was a ring of…

Oh, we know...

do your legs ever chafe w you riding that sanctimony pony so hard?

GOD THE NERVE OF THIS WOMAN TO GO ON LIVING HER LIFE WHEN SHE IS A MOTHER I MEAN WHAT IS NEXT? LEAVING THE HOUSE? INTERACTING WITH OTHER HUMANS?!?!?!?!!? HAVING SEX?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!

Well then she should probably just never drive her child anywhere ever, buy independent testing for every bite of produce in the home to make sure there aren’t any harmful bacteria in the food, and outfit the child with one of these ingenious disaster-stoppers.

And if you end up dead while pregnant, well, we’ll just strap you into an IV and keep your body incubating that fetus.

She continued: “I think when it comes to mothers and breastfeeding, we need to consider that mothers are people, they do things.”

women are legit not allowed to do anything w their own bodies except be fucking brood mares.

Outhouses always scare me for multiple reasons:

Truth. The people in the photos must have some Freddie Krueger-length arms, too. I have a seriously tiny waist and am all kinds of flexible (I can do some truly gross double-jointed stuff with some of my body parts) and I had to get into a really awkward, uncomfortable position to do the trick. Also, it’s already been…

Apropos name is apropos.

I am going to attach #probablyamammal to all my correspondence at home and work today.

Another litmus test on who to delete from various social media.

Here you see a group of Texans enjoying our summer so far. See how the eyes of the young woman on the front left emotes desperation, staring at an endless horizon of water....

I met him a few times in Toronto and he was roughly... I want to say 5’5” with brown eyes, smile like the sunrise. But in all seriousness, 5’6” at the very tallest.