You know what’s the best X-mas gift I have ever received in my entire life? Hot Wheels cars from my children. What the fuck am I going to do with a sweater in SoCal?!

It is like they took what I had been thinking/saying/shouting and made it into a sketch. I don’t know of anyone that makes a major purchase without talking it over with their significant other especially something that they are going to be interfacing with almost daily. What if they don’t like the color or it doesn’t…

Speaking as a bald man, that’s not a receding hairline. That’s a hairline in full retreat. That’s a surrendered hairline. That is a hairline that has conceded all terms in its battle with the scalp.

Turd face.

But... but... I thought committing property damage was bad? And that that was the *real* crime? And that that’s the reason for everything being a “riot” and not a “protest”? 

I like that. And when it's pummeled by hurricanes we can take turns throwing paper towels at them.

Haven’t the children suffered enough under this administration!?

USC’s academic reputation has improved dramatically over the past two decades. It is considered a highly selective school, with a 16% acceptance rate this year. It is highly sought after, especially by celebs and their offspring, as the scandal demonstrated. I am an alumni parent. There were lots of celeb kids when my…

No, she didn't read her own applications. How do I know? Because that was one of the services her parents bought. This woman literally didn't fill out her own applications so I'm not buying that she was totally clueless.

No, no no no no NO!
Fuck that entitled piece of extreme white privilege shit. Rewind to when she was gloating about never going to class, insinuating that she knew her parents bribed her way in even though she said she never wanted to go in the first place since she’s a self-proclaimed “celebrity influencer”.
Oh but she…

What’s better? A vaccine that requires more challenging logistics, but is available immediately... or a vaccine that is stable at a higher temperature, but won’t be ready until later?

“I think Trump is an idiot—something like a broken clock that just so happens to take credit for landing on a correct time twice a day.”

Woman, what the fuck are you wearing? What the hell did you do to your hair? You look like some desperate mom in a wine bar during a bachelor party drunk-convincing herself that the male stripper and you “share a real connection.” Good Lord.

How many students inherit land they can mortgage to pay tuition?

I appreciate that Rudy is doing his best to break us from that stereotype that lawyers are super smart and hardworking, kind of like how Ben Carson and Rand Paul do for doctors.

How does she look in the mirror and not SEE that her eyes look squinty crazy ...?

“Same” say hundreds of children separated from their parents and deported

Freakin blow up doll. 

Freedom for my body! Not your uterus!