One of my friends is an absolute MONSTER at restaurants and only ever tips max 10%.  

When I was 8 my best friend and I straight up murdered his mother’s very large (and, I now realize, incredibly expensive) outdoor cactus by watering it to the point it couldn’t stand up in the ground anymore. We did this because we felt bad that it was a cactus and therefore thirsty or something.

I accepted a while ago that the only way I’m going to manage to become vaguely non-awful is by trying every awful thing I don’t realize is awful yet and then regretting it at 3am for the rest of my life.

Please, please make that story happen.