mommest tweet of all time

My mom owns me online constantly.

If there is an after life, I like to think Carrie is chiding her mother saying “Jesus, could you not even give me 24 hours before you stole my limelight?!”

I saw this from Patton Oswald’s twitter, and I agree, I think Carrie spoke through this person.

I’m not even mad about the donuts and the hating America comment anymore. I kind of hate America right now, too. Girl travels all over the country to perform and probably caught onto how terrible we all are way before the shit hit the fan. Bitch is prescient.

When I think about Arianna Grande I usually roll my eyes and think about her licking donuts.

Things my three cats have pulled this year:

I too turn into a whiny eating machine between November and February. I never shit in a box though.

Galaxies rotate faster than my eyes do whenever I see news of a purported new Drake paramour.

How did people even know your wife was pregnant without a weekly picture of her bump standing next to a whimsical chalkboard telling the world how many weeks along she was and comparing the fetus to food items for size, huh?

This is the number one reason I plan on doing a surprise wedding. invite people to an engagement dinner and then “oh hey by the way...” Like have some appetizers, we’ll get hitched, then more food and dancing. NO INPUT FROM ANYONE

“Closed bar during dinner service” is the one sentence that will stick with me and remember your wedding poorly I tell folks. Me and Mrs Video care nary a crap about what color the toothpicks are in your artisan finger sandwiches, we do care that it is midway thru the salad course and we have nothing to drink.

I’m a photographer so I’ve photographed my fair share of weddings....I hear everything everyone says about your wedding. Stuff they love, stuff they don’t understand, stuff they don’t like etc.....some things I’ve overhead that people hate: complicated guest seating chart card displays. Don’t hang them on trees. Don’t…

Self-medicating with drugs and alcohol is a common way of coping with the isolating symptoms of mental illness. Fisher has spoken at length about how substance abuse can seemingly counter the symptoms of a condition, offering a false sense of normalcy (sometimes even euphoria) when they become too great to cope with…

Our wedding is this weekend and the theme is #fuckpintrest.

You could just go “It’s a surprise!” and cackle while tenting your fingers when people ask that.

I am wedding planning for 2017 and I am also sick of these trends. I only get my period every 2 months so it’s been impossible for me to collect enough menstrual blood to make my signature cocktail. 

Goddamnit, this makes me miss I Thee Dread pissing contests and Jolie even more.

I read way too many of these (up until “foxhead garlands”) before realizing this was satire.

Especially with Trump having repeatedly slept with other women while being married.