I appreciate he has to wade into that cesspool so I don't have to

Beer tastes good.

It will make the inevitable collapse all the better

Cooties, I knew it

Not to mention will also help settle the age old debate of whether or not a guy made a great play because he needed to compensate for taking a horrendous route to the ball or if he actually just made a great play. When you lay out on a route that was 99%+ efficient, you clearly just made a great defensive play. If…

Serious question, why are people so threatened by soccer?

I'm defending humor here, not football. If you were funnier, people probably would leave you alone

cause hipsters love hackey sack, am I right? Jeez, what are you wasting your gift for here on Gawker message boards? I'm sure CBS could give you a sitcom deal based on these zingers alone

Whitecops

Your the fifth person to make the same joke, SO EDGY BRO

Football

As someone who lives in Chicago, I can confirm most of the Midwest is terrible

There still won't be anyone who wants to come over and hang out and watch the game with you

That's because our Midwestern cuisine is alarmingly high in animal fats and cheeses and almost completely devoid of dietary fiber...

Damn it, we were making such headway with the crime rate here, too....

God willing

Don't worry, they'll get knocked out of that, too, as soon as some mid-table League One team comes a'calling

WHO WANTS TO BUY SOME PINK SHIT, BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHES?????

I see where you're going with this, and I'd like to agree in spirit, but man, it is so sweet watching the Pats just get spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanked and their annoying ass fans eat a big fucking plate of humble shit pie.

AMERICA! USA! USA! USA!