Do you think the God would be assuaged if the Dallas Cowboys made Tony Romo their holder again?

I always liked the Lovecraftian “indescribable”. As in “Phew, like - really, *really* bad. Work it out for yourself. It’s not like it’s my job to explain these things to you is it?”

The author’s whereabouts? We do not know, and do not dare guess.

Maybe he has a poor spam filter but already has a very large penis.

Yeahhhh not sure you have to worry about that now.

Just trying to give a bit of friendly guidance, pal - I’ve got no idea how likable you are (well, maybe a bit of an idea). But feel free to take it how you will. “Continue coming off like a dick” is one of the options, certainly.

I’m a Cubs fan too! And you’re coming off as a bit of a dick.

According to ESPN: ‘During the incident, Toronto Mayor John Tory tweeted: “Don’t hurt each other or our city over this. We can prove ourselves in more ways than one. #ComeTogether”’

What’s “negative attention”? Are women going to say “well, I was going to get a mammogram after the NFL made me aware of breast cancer, but that player has now made me negatively aware of breast cancer by wearing pink in a non-approved way so I guess I won’t bother”?

Your imaginary mother would have been significantly more scared in this imaginary incident had it become a gunfight. Unless of course you’re John McClane, also imaginary.

You know that “but here’s another bad thing that shouldn’t happen” is not a good counter to “this is a bad thing and shouldn’t happen”, right? Coz you kind of just did it.

He’s already at a nothing club with a proud tradition of support by johnny-come-latelies and neo-nazis, which lucked into a windfall from a member of the world’s most corrupt aristocracy. Not sure how far he could fall; Rotherham would be a step up, morally speaking.

Heh. “Why you should root for the only guy you’ve never seen before who beams down to the unexplored planet with the main crew on original Star Trek”.

“What is his relationship with the woman next to him?”

Heh heh, “reverse racism”. It’s like having a tattoo on one’s forehead saying “I’m a dumb dumb, please feel free to ignore me”.

Nah, here he is - in the guise of former Everton netminder Neville “the dustman” Southall:

That's better than the Benteke one.

Yeah, sorry, John Terry is a cunt. I have this on extremely good authority from multiple sources who have every reason to know.

Yeah but that was honouring Native American traditions.

Dude, you do know that “Deadspin” and “comments on Deadspin articles” aren't the same thing, right? Coz that's pretty basic internet.