"Thom Yorke sat at a piano singing 'This is fucked up,' for half an hour. We all know that, Mr Yorke… Who wants to sing the news? No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, 'We're all doomed,' at the end of the day people will always want to hear you play Creep. Get over it. I never went to fucking university.…

"What would you rather read? 'The guy from Keane's been to a rabbit sanctuary 'cos one of the rabbits needed a kidney implant, so he swapped his with it' — or 'Liam Gallagher sets fire to a policeman in cocaine madness while his brother Noel runs down Oxford Street nude'?"

"People fucking hate c*nts like Phil Collins, and if they don't — they fucking should"

"With every song that I write, I compare it to the Beatles. The thing is, they only got there before me. If I'd been born at the same time as John Lennon, I'd have been up there."

"Peter Gallagher and the twin caterpillars who live above his eyes."

"Me and Andy [Bell] look at things more objectively. I’m not going on the road when I’m 50! And it depends on how I look. We’ll still be touring in five years but I don’t ever want to end up like Pink Floyd. Now I fucking love Pink Floyd but on stage at Live 8, well I’m not going out like that. I want our last photo…

"People say we're the Rolling Stones and that Blur are the Beatles. We're the Stones and the Beatles. They're the fucking Monkees!"

"What's masquerading itself as hip-hop-slash-R&B is fucking horrible. These guys will go on the telly going: 'Hey kids, stay in school, don't do drugs', and then they'll be shooting each other down at the shopping mall. The disregard for women, stuff like that, I find it quite sickening. And the clothes they wear, and…

"I love dogs, dogs are brilliant. Is there anything funnier than a dog, going down the high street with his face hangin' out the window? Y'know when you see dogs in the passenger seat, someone's wound down the window and the dog's got his face out the window and he's like "Whoa! We're goin' 43 miles an hour!" and he's…

"The bloke's on another planet!"

"The fat dancer from Take That?"

"Well, he’d have to phone me up and get on his knees and beg while he had the phone to his ear. And shave. All his body hair. So he’s like a fucking bald Shaolin monk. And then maybe I’ll write him a decent chorus. Lord knows he could fucking do with one."

"Traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer. I don't need to say anything else."

"I’d probably be incarcerated if I was on Twitter. I tend to speak my mind a lot. I would get in serious fucking trouble. In interviews I can always blame shit on you, I can always say fuck that guy, he twisted that shit. If it’s on my Twitter account I’d end up in fucking jail."

"He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup."

If you’re No. 1 in the charts now, it automatically means you must be shit.

The man's a walkin' gimmick himself. No account needed!

You rang earlier, mate?