“He’s a grade-A coward, a sleazy punk, a slimy con man.”

Nope, no way to make birds racist.

I sit across from Gawker Media artist Sam Woolley. This morning, in preparation for this post, he asked me who the star players on the Jaguars are. :(

another one of the “respect the media because they make your salary possible” guys. Nice. Lemme guess, not a huge Marshawn Lynch fan, are you?

Christ, Jesus (probable, wrist)

“He got nailed to a cross. The doctors will take a look at it.”

“Why would we want Jesus over Tom?" -Bill Simmons

That’s the perfect reply to such a stupid question. Honestly. He had already said once Brady was gonna be the starter when he comes back no matter what. These dipshits keep asking him the same dumb question. Of course he’s going to get exasperated.

they also both potentially employ a rushin’ leader

Of course they didn’t cut the trip short. Sapp had 2 hours left on his shift as first mate, and boy does he need the money.

“Better make it like, four.”

“One family plan, please.”

NBA players generally show a healthy respect for those who came before them, but it’s really nice to see them doing something concrete for those players who helped pave the way for $30+ million salaries and massive endorsement deals. This is fantastic.

/ Sasha Kaun unretires.

Leading Red Gives Message to America’s Children: “Get Cancer”

If we can’t laugh at kids then what are we doing, really

The kid’s lucky. Zack Hample would have elbowed his throat for one of those gloves.

We’ve been friends long enough that I hope you can forgive me for starring this and earning the scorn of a dozen idiots over the next few hours.

I’m not a Cubs fan, just a complete tool.

DO OTHER COUNTRIES THINK IT’S FUNNY TO PLACE [UNITED STATES] IN ITS ALPHABETICAL POSITION IN A COUNTRY POP-UP INSTEAD OF AT INDEX NUMBER 1 WHERE IT BELONGS NO MATTER WHAT