It’s sad that I may actually be able to top that. #1 worst gift I’ve recieved from any man ever was from my crazy ex for Christmas. He bought a cheap angel ornament and glued a photo of his face to it. Saddest part is that I dated him for another year after that.

Mine are:

The boyfriend was already an ex when the roses were sent? eeesh, that’s rough.

If my (nonexistent) boyfriend got me a cream to make my ass and my boobs bigger for Valentines Day, I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Nothing says romance like, “Your ass and tits could use a little work, babe.” Is this why I’m single? If so, I’ll keep it that way.

Oh god, I had to read this about 4 times before I realized that the IRS agent was making the dispensary owner pay off the IRS agent’s student loans. I was reading it that the IRS agent made the dispensary owner pay off his own student loans, and I could not, for the life of me, figure out why he would care.

LOL @ these rich white feminists demanding we support Hillary. Senator Nina Turner told an interesting story about how she was scolded like a child by her female colleagues for endorsing Bernie.

I do too and you’re exactly right.

Sludge is such a good word for this. I’m not sure any of it’s actually solid. It just slides right through.

And micro cilantro. It just has that special cilantro-ness that you cant get from regular cilantro.

I like Irish Breakfast tea with milk and a little sugar.

You guys she lost one of her avocado nipples. Everyone stop doing everything and help her find it.

I wonder if it bothers her that her last name is Bacon. Has she tried to change it to something healthier, like Amanda Chia Seeds?

Literally not one interesting or important thing has ever happened, historically, before 11.30 AM. Stay the fuck in bed, people.

“I usually wake up at 6:30am,”

can’t wait until someone tells her that she, too, will die like everyone else

What happens to a fart deferred....

I’m doing a Mountain Dew cleanse right now. I’ve pissed out 10 pounds* of toxins!

I HATE that this is a thing. Homemade soup is my jam- for nutrition and financial benefits- and I don’t want to hear any gibberish or gobbledeguck about its magical powers from new-agey fad dieters.

As far as Khloe’s father I’m going with the hairdresser Kris was also sleeping with.