Honestly, he speaks like every god damn Amazon product reviewer that gives something one star for the shipping speed. He doesn’t have one useful thing to say, yet he can’t stop talking. He speaks like every anonymous asshole on the internet. The only way you can get away with saying that kind of shit is if you…

I just wanna say that I’ve been stopped in a car, in the Houston suburbs, with my white friend driving, Mexican friend riding shotgun, myself and another white friend in the back, WITH ACTUAL DRUGS IN THE CAR (they were literally fumbling under the seat to hide them as the cop approached), and the driver didn’t get…

Exactly. Herman Cain didn’t have a crack team of doctors, handlers, agents, press, and sycophants working around the clock to keep him alive.

When the only tool you have is a gun, every problem looks like a criminalblackman.

Republicans in 20XX: We’re not taking that new vaccine for some FAKE virus! It’s too risky!!

I mean, why can’t we just have custom button mapping as a standard already?

Yeah so like, when are we officially going to war with China over this?

Problem is it’s pretty easy to argue they prevent any and all crime that hasn’t happened yet. Who knows what horrible shit might happen if you take the cops away, right? Keep scared white people scared, and they’re just looking to buy that argument. It’s like Lisa Simpson’s rock-that-keeps-tigers-away.

I mean yeah, if one wants to go slow, having the ability to go fast isn’t stopping them.

Every damn time:
1) Step into fitting room
2) Check for new clothes
3) Forget what I already own
4) Step back out
5) Search Nook Shopping app for stuff I already own
6) Step back into fitting room
7) Make a single purchase
8) No I don’t want to wear it now
9) Repeat

Like, why do you need to bring an AR-15 to a skateboard fight?

You basically just described my parents (without the STEM degrees). This seems pretty damn common in the middle and lower middle class too.

At this rate, COVID-19 will last longer than the Confederacy.

Luckily I can still taste, but I haven’t had a sense of smell since I can remember. Nobody believes me when I explain it, and they always make me sniff stuff. Somebody set off a stink bomb at one of my old jobs, and I had no idea.

The scientist who wrote it on the test tube might know how to pronounce it.

Totally! I can’t even remember what I just bought sometimes. I wanted something in two different colors, absent-mindedly forgot which one I bought first, and literally had to stop shopping and run to my house to check.

Honorable mention: coeurls

It’s so true. My dad constantly moans about whatever flavor-of-the-week socialist conspiracy he can dream up. Real tin-foil hat shit. This “virus” is a George Soros-backed plot to destroy Trump’s big beautiful economy. And I know he doesn’t even LIKE Trump, but his brain physically can’t abide a liberal concept. He…

I mean he didn’t even spell “marshal” right...

I’m no ornithologist, but why is its bill shape totally different as a baby?