but

I once got spanked for asking how Jesus could accurately tell time, so I wasn’t about to compound that by asking about GMT.

shhhhhhhh

Other possible ways Jesus exited his tomb, ranked. 1. Sauntered. 2. Ambled. 3. Sached. 4. Did the electric slide. 5. Ubered. 6. Pulled out bleeding and hysterical by United Airlines Security Guards while claiming he had patients to heal the next day. 7. Moseyed. 8. Just flew right the duck out of there. 9. There was…

My coworker was super upset/offended when I got confused and asked when easter was. I don’t celebrate easter and it moves. I can’t keep up. Get over yourself!

Here’s a tip that I abide by.

I don’t know why, but I was convinced last Sunday was Easter. I guess being an atheist without children really screws with your ability to gauge when religious/kid holidays are meant to fall on in any given year.

Or:

Damn, I would even *pay* to watch that!

I wish I can give you so many stars.

Because NBC (and the media as a whole) is a joke.

Santa is nothing because he’s fictional.

Why oh why is he still employed?

I hear ya:

NBC should just have Kathie Lee Gifford down vodka shots with Vlad. She can hold her booze and still have wildly inappropriate conversations. It would probably be more informative than whatever cautious puff piece Megyn would do.

Look, it doesn’t matter who I killed, just that you remember I killed them bestly.

“If you can possibly take two good trips a year, it will refresh your life. We all need R&R. Put it to good use,” he said to the studio audience Tuesday night.....