Serve a huge pile of juicy red medium rare steaks and a side salad. Tell the vegan he can leave if he doesn’t like his salad or chirps about other’s food choices. Life your life with joy. Repeat that last step as often as possible.

He’s like Bo Derek, a perfect 9-1.

Please Lord, may my dances enrage my enemies. Amen.

A big reason this is rarely called may be that the umpire is usually not in a position to hear a simulated count. Sometime around or before 2011, the NFL moved the position of the umpire to a location behind the offense, where he’s unlikely to hear a simulated snap count. However, for the last five minutes of each…

Dammit Barry, you just had to mention the Patriots’ line shift. Now the comment section is full of butthurt Steelers fans. Shifting along the line is not cheating. Shit, man, you can shift the D-line before the snap in video games. Shouting out a fake snap count when you’re on defense is cheating. Learn the difference…

Not surprised about Cardale leaving. He didn’t go there to play no school. And now he isn’t playing no football neither.

Beef and ginger only go together well in stir-fry.

No.

Both men realized that there was no beef– indeed, there never had been any–after sharing a long look at the Skyline.

I’m...I’m kidding. I’ve never even talked to a woman.

I redirected her attention to the cheerleaders and mascot.

Holy shit I found something I hate even more than either of their comments.

There has to be someone affiliated with Deadspin that can pull off the mannerisms and affectations of an adolescent attendee.

That’s ridiculous, but why would you want to go listen to Greg Hardy speak anyway?

Power rangers duh.

Bandit: Ray-Ray never imagined he would be the one...

This explains the good game against Denver. Normally, he just pisses excellence, but in that game it was leaking inside him.

This is an important story to report, because Hardy’s brother was in the driver’s seat. Talking to the media is not important, especially when there are unsolved crimes for the Hardy boys to investigate.