I was and thing is kind of awkward but which one of you guys gave her my new address because I specifically ghosted her when I moved.

I used to do this every now and then but it’s been a couple years at this point.. so for old times’ sake, here is a list I’ve compiled of some of my all time favorite Gwyneth Paltrow quotes from over the years:

This is strong writing, and Deadspin is lucky to have you.

Hats that can’t go on your head. Watches that don’t tell time. Edible underwear made from inedible materials. Shit is crazy.

If you would have told me that the girl who sang about whiskey for toothpaste would someday become the woman for all women, I would have never believed it. 

“Have we considered that Chris Hemsworth is actually Thor?”

You left out the most haunting part of the obituary, the part that really broke me. It made me finally understand that line in all the movies that says killing a person haunts you:

In middle school, I had a rocking pair of jeans that got darker as you got closer to the foot with embroidered butterflies. I would pair this with a blue turtleneck that went from light blue to darker blue as you went upwards and down the arms. I looked like color saturation bar.

My son proudly told me once, “Mommy, you wear clothes other people think of as costumes!”

Excuse you I have always been a fashion ICON

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na JON HAMMMMMMM.

That scene didn’t just humanize the Lannister soldiers, it also humanized Arya a little because she was a long way down the road to being a one-note character, a heartless killer. For that reason, they COULDN’T have her kill the soldiers and any other method of killing them would seem pointless.

Yeah but I’m guessing you don’t squeeze in family time at the gym when you go after work. Let us judge this man we’ve never met!!

Typical schedule:

Your subconscious knew what it was about.

I’d like to state that I don’t think you qualify as the arsehole in this scenario. Ex pushed you. I have zero tolerance for cheating; meeting someone better suited for you is just Life. Breaking up with one before getting involved with the other is the honourable way to go, in my opinion. You didn’t cheat on ex…

I imagine most of the next week is going to be taken up making a custom version of Guess Who?

Roughly around the start of Grade 7, my prior group of girlfriends formed a hive mind and baby me was no longer welcome. Making the best of it, I made some new friends, including the boy who’d just moved to my town. New group and I have an okay time, lots of laughs, and new boy Taylor is funny. Great. Spring rolls…